A recluse by nature but forced to interact with other people in order to occupy some acceptable rung on this ladder we’re calling “society,” I am all the more obliged to pick and choose my public appearances with some care. There can be altogether too many variables in play, and so I’ve come up with a foolproof equation for establishing if it’s worth it to leave the apartment.
Food is a big factor—will my plans allow me to gorge on cheap pizza or some kind of gyro that might sustain me until tomorrow afternoon? Rate your hunger on a scale from one to ten, then subtract the cost of the food you plan to eat. Also subtract the minutes of exercise you haven’t done that day.
Next, will there be crowds where you’re going? Friends? Enemies? Multiply your number by how many people you’d see that you actually want to see; divide by the number you don’t want to see; subtract the number of strangers you will accidentally come into bodily contact with. Then divide by zero (ha, just kidding).
After that, blow into your pocket breathalyzer. Get out your calculator, take your blood alcohol content and multiply it by π. If you can do this, congratulations, you’re sober enough to walk out the front door and conceivably make it back later that evening. Add this product to your other number, and if the sum is your lucky number, you should hit the town. Unless it’s bar trivia. Never go to that.