Tiger Woods may be up to his putter in a mistress scandal, but what’s most disturbing about this particular case of martial infidelity is that Tiger’s wife is a ridiculously attractive Nordic supermodel. Despite this fact, the man still found it necessary to cheat with strange picked up at various bars across the country. Sure, some of the girls in question aren’t too shabby either, but was it really worth it? Now, no one here is advocating cheating on wives or significant others, but if you are a celebrity and you do decide to cheat, at least shoot for an upgrade. For example!
(‘’)1. Kevin Federline Cheated on Shar Jackson with Britney Spears. It’s sad to say, but when looking at the options, I don’t think any man on earth really blames K-Fed for his decision. It’s like when you own a clunker, and some executive does a suicidal plummet off of the roof of his office and the keys to his Benz just happen to land in your hand. What, you’re not going to trade up?
2. Billy Crudup Cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire Danes. Now I know there may be some heated debate on this one, but let the record show that this bout of infidelity took place prior to Parker’s sexy turn on Weeds. What makes this a particularly nasty split is that Parker was pregnant when Billy broke their bond. What goes around comes around, as Danes eventually cheated on Billy with Hugh Dancy while filming Evening. Oh well, Billy, you had a good run.
3. Donald Trump Cheated on Ivana Trump with Marla Maples. Money may not buy happiness, but in Ivana’s case, the rumored $20 million and change from her divorce certainly must have helped. Was it any surprise that Donald cheated? Not likely. It was more of a surprise that he managed to get a woman as hot as Marla Maples. Come to think of it, maybe money really does buy happiness. Though apparently, it doesn’t buy a good toupee. However, do you really need a good toupee when you’ve got money to close the deal?
4. Paul Hogan Cheated on Noelene Hogan with Linda Kozlowski. Paul and Noelene were the Australian equivalent of Brangelina for many years. Then Hogan met Linda Kozlowski on the set of Crocodile Dundee and saw her in that one-piece bathing suit. The rest is history, mate. Apparently it was a love at first sight scenario, because the two are still together and even have a son between them. Good job Paul. I mean, if you’re going to cheat, at least.
5. Brad Pitt Cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. If you didn’t know about this one, then hopefully a landslide will take down that rock you’ve been living under. While it’s hard for a man to imagine how anyone could cheat on Jennifer Aniston, it’s harder for a man to imagine not sleeping with Angelina Jolie given the opportunity. Jen is hot, but the concept of “Branifer” just isn’t as clever. Also, think of the African children saved by this union!
6. David Letterman Cheated on Regina Lasko with Stephanie Birkitt. Well, all right, Letterman’s given himself enough grief over this one. Among others.
7. Balthazar Getty Cheated on Rosetta Getty with Sienna Miller. While Balthazar has kids with Rosetta, he clearly made the right choice in picking Sienna Miller, according to cheater calculus. Truly, if you’re going to pick someone to break up your marriage, don’t you want to pick the girl that you know won’t last long? See also: Jude Law.
8. Marc Anthony Cheated on Dayanara Torres with Jennifer Lopez. No one can deny that Dayanara Torres is attractive, but when presented with J-Lo on a hook, who wouldn’t take the bait? Clearly it was worth the trouble, because people actually know who Marc Anthony is now. He’s still not known for being a musician, but fame is fame. And in true player form, Anthony has even been caught cheating on J-Lo with Dayanara.
9. Billy Bob Thornton Cheated on Laura Dern with Angelina Jolie. Laura Dern is an elegant, charming dream girl that any man would love to be with. But as Billy Bob and the rest of male America knows at this point, Angelina Jolie is the wet dream girl that any man would be crazy not to sleep with. This trade up is so easy to understand that even Laura Dern got it, and eventually traded up herself, settling down with musician Ben Harper.
10. Nick Lachey Cheated on Jessica Simpson with Vanessa Minnillo. You may think Nick is crazy for cheating on Jessica Simpson, but that’s because you’re not Nick Lachey. It’s hard for most people to envision doing better than Jessica because she’s the spitting image of a busty girl next door. On the other hand, Vanessa Minnillo is like the exotic version of the busty girl next door.
11. Usher Cheated on Tameka Foster with Grace Miguel. Everyone involved here is certainly attractive and accomplished and would have no need of, say, cutting a person who remarked on the situation, so let’s move on.
12. Robert Rodriguez Cheated on Elizabeth Avellán with Rose McGowan. Director doing his star? Shocking. Strangely there’s almost a ghost of a physical resemblance there, in some intangible way. But why go where Marilyn Manson has already been?
13. Dave Navarro Cheated on Carmen Electra with Jenna Jameson. In terms of raw beauty, it’s impossible to determine if Carmen is hotter than Jenna, or vice versa. That would be like comparing a sunset in Fiji to a sunset in Hawaii, or a jeweled dog collar to a jeweled leash. There’s no difference. But when it comes down to “professional talent,” one of them only looks like a porn star, while the other actually is a porn star.