5 Things I Hated About ‘Paranormal Activity’

I saw Paranormal Activity last night and it flat-out molested the frightened child inside me. I used to have this recurring nightmare about Anjelica Huston -- she would stand over my bed, in shadow, smiling at me. It made me wet the bed. It made my mom invest in plastic bedsheets. Watching this movie was like wetting the bed for 90 minutes straight while Anjelica Huston looks down at me, smiling. A shoestring indie starring two unknowns, Paranormal Activity is the story of a young couple who are tormented by a ghost. In an effort to find out more about these "hauntings," boyfriend Micah buys a video camera he uses to record the things that happen in their house while they sleep. Made for $15,000, the film has earned over $100 million since its wide release in mid-October, making it the highest-grossing independent film since The Blair Witch Project. Still, there were five parts I could have done without.

THE OUIJA BOARD: The inclusion of a Ouija board always turns a top-notch thriller into a camping trip with your cousins. It was stupid when Michelle Pfeiffer used one in What Lies Beneath and it’s stupid here, especially when the thing mysteriously catches fire.

DR. FREDRICHS: I didn’t care for this character because he was so obviously a fraudulent psychic. Although I suppose this is the point—the one guy who could help is, in fact, useless against these evils—it just made me think about how bogus the whole story is.  Anytime something spooky happened, Dr. Fredrichs would pop into my head and I’d think about all of those neon crystal balls I see advertising New York’s sidewalk psychics.

KEYS ON THE FLOOR: In one scene, the couple wakes up after hearing a noise, only to find their keys on the ground. I hate when people are this tidy. Makes me feel like they deserve what’s coming to them.

THE ENDING: What? What studio genius decided it was wise to add CGI effects to the film’s final frame? Apparently, there had also been this ending and this ending, both of which sounded way better.

THE MONEY IT MADE:Not because I don’t like to see the underdog succeed. On the contrary, I’m bummed it did so well because I’m happy to see the underdog succeed. A sequel has already been confirmed. And, beyond the shadow of a doubt, it will look more like this than this.