Dispatches From Lindsay Lohan’s Trip to India

Recently, critically-acclaimed entertainer/noted philanthropist Lindsay Lohan embarked on a journey to India to help rehabilitate victims of child trafficking. Here, she reflects on her journey and the long-lasting rewards of her visit.

What I Did During My Three-Day Charity Trip In India
by Lindsay Lohan, age 23

I was blown away, like people at the levies during Hurricane Katrina, when the BBC asked me, Lindsay Lohan, to rescue all these kids. I called my publicist and I said, "Do they know who I am?" And my publicist sighed--I swear to God she sighed, I heard it--and she said, "Yes and that's why you've got to take this gig. I think this is what they call a 'last resort.'" And I was all like, "OMG, I'm staying at a resort? Sa-weet!" Then my publicist hung up on me. Bitch. Anyway, I grabbed my three-piece Tumi luggage set, packed some boss tights and wicked boots--a girl's gotta save the world in style, amirite?

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Not to oversell it, but this was basically my big Bollywood break. LOL. I mean, it’s like I’m following in Kylie Minogue‘s footsteps!

From the moment I got to India to the moment I returned to America, I felt like I, Lindsay Lohan, had been transformed. I had been born anew! It’s like how Indians believe in reincarnation. I, Lindsay Lohan, had been reincarnated. This experience was so cathartic. It helped me forget about the horrible accusations some have been flinging at me this past year. Like that one time everyone accused me of making those pasties for Ungaro. I didn’t know about the pasties, you guys!!! Anyway, I was like so spiritually connected, helping to save those 40 children.

Look, I know people might say I was there for only one hour, but it doesn’t matter whether I was there for one hour or three days. I learned a lot in India. According to one of the translators, one of the kids told me, “I don’t want to go back home. I want to go with you.” I thought for a minute about saying, “Oh no honey, you don’t. Michael and Dina are absolute terrors.” But I decided against it. Because this wasn’t about me, this was about saving lives. And here I, Lindsay Lohan, was saving lives. But also, I didn’t know how to speak Indian, LOL.

So I hope you all can learn from my example. From how I managed to be so selfless and philanthropic. You won’t see certain other people (I’ll call them “Samantha R."--no, that’s too obvious!--"S. Ronson,” then) going to India and listening to little children say things in a language they don’t understand.

But you know what, focusing on celebrities and lies is so disconcerting, when we can be changing the world one child at a time.