The first time I attempted to masturbate in the bathroom at Abe & Arthur’s in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood was a lonesome, hallucinatory experience that I’m unlikely to forget. And that’s even considering my strict daily regimen of whippets and wheat grass, a combination carefully designed to erode my mental faculties at a frightening rapidity. Tucked under dying my hair black and growing a coke nail masturbating at Abe & Arthur’s was the most recent addition to my before-thirty bucket list and it seemed blissfully attainable when I typed it into my iPhone notes while bored on the L train en route to meet the girl amidst the Makers spills and angled handlebars that have come to define a borough. But my assumed simplicity of the task was in the end tragically not the case as I found out mid-attempt one brisk-kiss Thursday evening on my way home from work.
Right, like I’m going to tell you NOW what happened. Nah, dunn. I’m going to draw this sucker out like a hopscotch grid over the next week. At this point we’re going to do what we always do during the night shift at BlackBook: lend credibility to the rantings and ravings of insignificant citizen groups bent on curtailing the levels of ludicrousness we look forward to seeing flash across our flat screens. In tonight’s addition we have UNICO and their hilarious website fighting to keep MTVs forthcoming Jersey Shore off the air. I’ll set my DVR to who-gives-a-shit. Not about the show, of course. About UNICO. As anyone who has seen the 2004 Genesis “True Life: I’m A Jersey Shore Girl” will attest, Jersey Shore will stain your television mind something orange and awesome. Best believe the December 3rd premiere is tagged to record. In fact all one needs to do is read the following MTV line from the show’s promotional material: They keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!
Oh yeah and stay tuned for masturbation.