Casting America’s Next Top Simon Cowell

If Susan Boyle's upset is to be believed, then maybe the time for Simon Cowell to pursue other endeavors that don't involve tearing down the dignity of doe-eyed hopefuls on national television couldn't be more perfect. The breath of fresh air American Idol has been chasing for a few seasons now may finally arrive with the departure of Cowell's acerbic asides. So instead of mourning Simon the Great as he goes back to the UK to lord over Britain's Got Talent and X-Factor, let's do what we Americans do best when one of our cultural fixtures defects: Replace him! But with whom?

Cathy Dennis. So you probably don’t remember her from the 1990s, but she’s hardly a pop dinosaur. In fact, Dennis has been the Grammy Award-winning driving force behind everyone from Kylie Minogue to Britney Spears. Also, she’s almost entirely responsible for Katy Perry’s Sapphic jingle.

Bono. No, seriously. I mean sure, his band has become the blandest thing to hit radio since evangelical preachings on the AM dial. But somehow, he manages to trick most of the world into thinking that his band is still at the forefront of rock, not actually languishing in the discount racks of AC Top 40. And his extracurricular dabbling in benevolence is also characteristic of a successful pop star. Because he oozes soft-spoken nurturing, Bono stands to be the Anti-Simon.

Madonna. Here we have a win-win situation, because Madonna, having succeeded most excellently in alienating everyone but select die-hards, stands to win back a core chunk of her audience who earnestly still believe her last single was “Frozen.” And with every passing day, be it exotic babies or a whimsical shift in faith, she keeps hemorrhaging fans. But nevertheless, she remains a titan of the industry who could dispense some useful advice to America’s Pride and Joy. And it’s the grandiosity of her success that most Idol-ites eye for themselves—so she’d rack up points for relatability. Also, it would be delightful to see her outside of a nihilistic, self-serving context that involves an uncomfortable photo shoot.

Dallas Austin. Having crafted some of contemporary music’s most influential romps, like TLC’s “Creep” and this so-bad-it’s-quite-good cover of “Walk This Way”, Austin has deconstructed the fickle clockwork of pop and figured out how to persist beyond just a few novelty hits. This is a talent that most American Idols have yet to learn.

Sharon Osbourne. Since she quit Idol’s UK counterpart, FOX seems to have her on the network for some ill-conceived variety show anyway. So they could spin off the shrewd observations she picked up on X-Factor to American Idol, where her sharp-tongued outbursts should fill in quite squarely for Simon’s sharp jibes.