David Spade’s Rules of Disengagement

Here’s what the true Mister Hollywood hates about that insufferable place in the merciless sun that fries out your hair, causing nasty split ends. (Blow-dryers are not on this list.)

1. Leaf blowers.
2. Girls who flake when they are supposed to meet you because they forgot about their “friend’s birthday party.”
3. When traffic is so bad you don’t go at a green light.
4. Girls who flake when they “think they are getting sick,” and then you see them later that night at a bar and they say it’s walking pneumonia.
5. The over-kissing of ass of certain movies at awards time.
6. High-waisted pants on girls. Bring back the low-riders; they’ve done nothing wrong.
7. Paparazzi that say “it’s my job.” A crack dealer is a job, too; it doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

8. People who say they didn’t see me on “Letterman,” but they Tivo’d it. It still doesn’t count.
9. People who pick up a BlackBerry and start typing during a story I am telling, right at the good part.
10. People in general.