Dear Uncle Steve: Relationship Advice From Steve Lewis & A Girl

Dear Uncle Steve: I’ve been single in New York for about six years. My dating/sex life has consisted of many meaningless flings and one night stands. I recently met a girl who’s got me hooked, but she started to act distant/uninterested when I revealed that I haven’t had a serious relationship since college. How do i feign that I’m a committed dude?
Shamefully, Single Slacker

Dear Single Slacker
First of all, rephrase the whole thing...

“I haven’t had a serious relationship since college…because I’ve been searching for Mrs. Right for so long, and now I think I’ve found her” sounds significantly better. However, I’m confused: you say that you’re “hooked” but then say “how do I feign that I’m a committed dude?” You obviously don’t want a real relationship or you wouldn’t have to feign anything. Tricks are for kids and dudes destined for a life of meaningless relationships. Try going a couple days without telling a lie to anyone and go from there. After that, look for a committed relationship in the back pages of the Village Voice.

xoxo, Uncle Steve

Advice from a girl:
Don’t be ashamed of your bachelor ways. You’re young; it’s a perfectly reasonable way to live for awhile. Give this girl the full background, tell her why you haven’t committed in the past and make her feel like a pretty, pretty princess while explaining why you’re ready to do it for her. However, if you’re not ABSOLUTELY sure that you want to commit to this chick, write it off and walk/run away. If you go through the process of convincing her to give you a chance and then you fold, karma’s going to bite you in the ass, hard. Girls hype up ‘bad guy’ stories and social circles in this city are all interwoven.

Dear Uncle Steve: My boyfriend is mind numbingly dull. Like a documentary on the making of Glitter dull. I’ve tolerated his monotone voice and pointless anecdotes for almost three months because of moderately pleasurable bedroom action. I’m trying to passive aggressively screw up enough for him to ‘let me go’, but how can I speed up the inevitable pity dumping?
Apathetically, Glitter Dull

Dear Glitter Dull,
OMG, maybe he doesn’t show you the good stuff because you don’t deserve anything but a mindless pounding once in awhile. Passively waiting for him to dump you?! You’re the dishonest bore, baby. I guess he can only tell when you’re cumming ‘cause you drop the nail file!! Maybe if I was in Cleveland, and it was late at night, and it was raining, and the porn channel on the TV was broken, and you knocked on my hotel door by accident, I’d hit your shit. You deserve what you get. Check that ...you don’t deserve dick at all.

Advice from a girl:
For this one I gotta say, grow some hypothetical balls. If the situation were reversed, image how horribly your self esteem would plummet when you realized that you were being appeased and kept on relationship retainer solely for the sex. You’d die of unhappiness and embarrassment. Shower this guy with some truthiness about how you feel, and maybe he’ll agree to break-up sex. Maybe more than once.

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