Dissing ‘Twilight’: The Miley Cyrus & Selena Gomez Guide to Boosting Your Career

So you're a foul brat who's nearing the end of her contract with the Disney Channel. And you're flipping out because you're sure they're just going to kick you out of the nest and leave you to fend for yourself while Kim Cattrall comes to suck up all your youth. The Disney Channel may chuck you over to ABC Family to see if you'll work with slightly older audiences. If they love you, they may vault you straight to primetime. And if you're Raven-Symoné (we all wish we were!), you're on your own (which may or may not involve having a sit-down with Tyra and Chris Rock.) Whatever happens, your fate is in the mouse's paw, not your own. Thus, today's tween icons have been forced to become extremely crafty, coming up with a surefire chemical formula guaranteed to garner them headline coverage, for minutes to days. Essentially, that formula is Twilight + bold controversial assertion + girlishly churlish phrasing -> HEADLINES! Let's take a look at some of Disney's latest breakouts (on the skin of contemporary culture) to pour this fizzy potion on their wilting careers.

('’)

• Miley Cyrus disses Twilight. Exactly a week ago, MTV reported on Cyrus’ distaste for the vamp flick. Some choice quotes they received include, “I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” and “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. ... I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” and also, “It’s a cult. I don’t believe in it.” Strong opinions from a mentally unstable girl. To her credit, that outburst alone secured her over a thousand effing news reports. Over a thousand effing news reports that, to some degree, likely referenced “Party In the USA” and Hannah Montana. Thereby renewing Cyrus’s chokehold on the national imagination.

• Selena Gomez disses Twilight Frankly, I don’t know who this girl is, but maybe she and JonBenet Ramsay entered the same beauty pageant once upon a time ago. Nevertheless, she paid her own two crusty cents on this whole Twilight thing. Anyway, she was on some lowbrow talkshow when she quipped, “I don’t watch [the Twilight movies]. Sorry, I feel bad….even though I am a teenager.” Aw. Miley, this is how you do humility. Buuuuut. This was such an apparently outrageous quip that E! got the real scoop from Gomez, who rolled her eyes and barked, “All I said was that I didn’t watch it and I felt bad for not watching it.” She elaborated, “But of course, now it’s like, ‘I don’t like it.’ That’s not the case.” Points for eloquence. And sneakiness, as she starts transcending tween culture and entering the same shameful tier as Cyrus in popular culture. The rest of us, meanwhile, cry a little more about the quality of celebrity grabbing headlines these days.

Next tween star likely to diss Twilight for a quick career lift? Miranda Cosgrove!