Family Feud: What Dirt Does Levi Johnston Have on Sarah Palin?

It's fitting that to commemorate the one year anniversary of Sarah Palin's attempt to systematically dismantle the free world, almost son-in-law Levi Johnston is threatening to release secrets he claims would more or less irreparably crater the erstwhile vice presidential candidate's public persona (allegedly to regain custody of son Tripp). In previous eras, we'd have elaborate costume dramas and grisly bloodshed to glamorize heated custody rows like this. But we're living in a post-Gosselin America where trash is royalty. So we can't expect malevolent queens to rule with ermine tippets draping from their elbows, let alone administer torture with a snap of their fingers. Heck, these days, even a command of the English language is hardly a necessity. However, a list of what sort of dirt -- reasonable to outlandish -- the Playgirl prince may have on the unhinged queen mother of Wasilla follows after the break.

Like the nitty-gritty of Johnston’s Playgirl deal or the entirety of Palin’s political platform, this hearsay remains unsubstantiated, but that’s become something of a hallmark for this first family of hot-messery:

● Sarah Palin is a lesbian.
● Sarah Palin is a Scientologist.
● She takes all her disciplinary cues from Joan Crawford.
● Bristol really isn’t her daughter.
● However, in a creepy twist, Levi may be her son.
● There may be something Oedipal between Palin and Johnston.
● Her husband, Todd Palin, is actually gay.
● Todd Palin is a polygamist and families scattered across the heartland.
● All along, the entire Palin family were just a traveling stage company and we were all suckered into being their supporting cast.
● After chairing the book-burning committee at her local library, Palin was discovered to have been secretly harboring the entire Harry Potter collection, and with full knowledge of all relevant spells.
● Not only that, but in a self-aware stab at her present detractors, she dressed up as Dolores Umbridge from the books this and past Halloweens.
● Last year, she actually cast her vote for Obama/Biden.
● And finally, in what would be the most convoluted act of WTF-ery, Palin ghost-wrote not Going Rogue, but the competing critique Going Rouge. Because the acts of the clinically insane are never explicable.