Your ‘Fear and Loathing’ Las Vegas Weekend

Go ahead, ball out of control. This is Vegas after all.

Friday
Stay. TheHotel. You need a place that’s isolated, where they won’t ask questions. A place with two exits.

3:30 p.m. Big Elvis at Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall and Saloon. A 500-lb. hunka hunka burnin’ love pays tribute to the King.

5:30 p.m. The Gun Store. Hit the firing range now, while your hands are still steady.

8 p.m. Trader Vic’s for dinner. Mai Tais. Giant tiki heads.

10 p.m. Bonanza Gift Shop. Eschew their more elegant offerings—vintage-repro linen postcards and T-shirts so retro-hip they’d look good under a Slimane jacket—for tacky plastic visors, Hawaiian shirts, slot machine lighters, souvenir flasks and the booze to fill them.

11 p.m. Dive Bar at The Tank. Watch the sharks. Feel free to take a dip in the Jacuzzi, but bear in mind that swimsuits are required.

12:30 a.m. Fremont Street. Watch the overhead light show, check out the motorcyclists in the “cage of death,” have a $1 tequila shot.

1:30 a.m. Wasted Space. They’re already used to the running amok at the Hard Rock’s newest bar.

3 a.m. Las Vegas Lounge. Vaguely sinister, over-the-top tranny bar. It’s the middle of the night in Vegas, and you’re exactly where you should be.

5 a.m. White Cross lunch counter. Satisfy late-night/early-morning cravings with a hubcap-sized burger or cheddar-drenched omelet.

Saturday
11 a.m. “Mini-Baja” Dune Buggy Adventure. Make
sure you’re awake, dressed, hydrated, and caffeinated by the time the shuttle picks you up.

3 p.m. TheHotel. You’re back! Head for the hotel room if in need of disco nap, hotel pool if not. Either way, take a long, sand-removing shower first.

5:30 p.m. RM Seafood. All that tooling around in the desert gives one an appetite for the ocean.

7:30 p.m. Love, Cirque de Soleil’s trippy, Technicolor celebration of the Beatles is the next best thing to actually hallucinating.

9:30 p.m. “Dealertainer” Pit at the Imperial Palace. Play poker with a six-foot, 200-pound Caucasian Michael Jackson, or roulette with a more convincing Gwen Stefani. Place side bets on whether the red wig is supposed to be Wynona, Reba, or Bette.

10:30 p.m. Horse-A-Round Bar at Circus Circus. The kitschy carousel bar is usually closed, but the gates are open on Saturdays. And, if they’re not, just get a drink downstairs, hop the fence, and settle into a pink vinyl booth. (You didn’t think you were going to follow the rules all weekend, did you?)

Midnight. Jet. Large, three-room club means you’ll always have another space to try if boredom begins to settle in. Or need to flee when the tourists around you begin to resemble lizards.

3 a.m. Double Down. No tour of hedonistic Las Vegas would be complete without the hedonist’s favorite punk rock dive bar. Adventurous souls can order the late-night special: A can of Schlitz, a shot of “ass juice,” and a Slim Jim for $5.

Sunday
Noon. TheHotel. Awaken with a start. Was it Fellini or Lynch who directed that dream?

1 p.m. Burger Bar. Brunch, lunch, whatever. Just make sure it has extra cheese and sweet potato fries.