Halloween Nightmares

I have always taken Halloween too seriously. For clubs it generally marks the end of a post-summer slow period and the beginning of the holiday season, which is for many joints their first reason to be cheerful since Labor Day. It is a night of insanity and money. It can also be mayhem for security guards who face a myriad of potential nightmares. Brawlers, thieves, dealers, and bad, bad patrons who have been previously banished (86’d) can easily disguise their way back in to a club. Patrons who are normally sane channel dark lords and monsters while carrying scythes or swords -- which after a few witches brews can be quite dangerous. A few years ago, I bought myself a real good Elvis costume and have been wearing it ever since (I mean, only on Halloween of course). I'm the old fat Elvis with a gray Elvis wig, gold rings and chains, sunglasses, fancy Elvis shoes. This year, thank God and a low-rent diet, I'll need a bigger pillow to pull it off. I always walk in the parade, and sometimes I have been known to sing a song. I always talk in “the” voice. I’ve been known to judge a costume contest or two. This year, like all the rest, I will be all dressed up looking for someplace to go. One of the great things about Halloween is that in general people do dress, and it can make a usually awful gathering look swell. My choices for Halloween are:

I’ve been asked to host Serpentine, but it’s so super hush-hush slither-slither that I’m not going to chat about it much. I can say that Patrick Duffy is blowing up. His good looks and charm and ability to mix the crowds like back in the day is convincing me he’s the second coming. Last night he tried to drag me to his soiree over at the Box, which had James Franco, Alan Cumming, Parker Posey, Rosie Perez, and some boldfaced et ceteras all there before midnight. Serpentine will be the place to be, and I’ll be there.

“Boo Yourself” at Pacha with DJ Danny Tenaglia feels right. I think this event will give me that big-club experience with costumes and sexiness that makes a great Halloween.

The Park with dark lords Paul Sevigny and Jesse Marco DJing will be a Halloween hipster fest and figures to have the lowest percentage of costumes around—this crowd is too cool to dress up. Paul Sevigny is at the top of his game, and DJ Jesse Marco is the buzz. When DJ AM passed I heard much talk about Jesse trying to fill those big kicks at DJ AM’s Club Dusk in Atlantic City.

The Saint at Large presents All Saints’ Halloween After Hours, 4am until Sunday afternoon at Purgatorio with music by Hector Fonseca, Junior Vasquez, and others. Junior has been killing it lately. After a period of reflection, this Hall of Fame DJ has found happiness at last in his life and brings his love old school to a crowd rediscovering his genius or experiencing it for the first time. The Saint at Large is a reference to Bruce Mailman’s The Saint, one of the great gay clubs of all time. At one point after The Saint was shuttered, Bruce threw only four parties a year. All were legendary, and all were lucrative enough for him to thrive.

Also making me shake rattle and roll are the GBH events: Hiroween at Hiro Ballroom with Talib Kweli and a Paul Banks of Interpol DJ Set; Halloween at Cabanas with Anthony Batista, DJ Vikas, Artists Intel; Halloween at Soho Grand with Alexandra Richards and Jamie Biden; and Halloween at Tribeca Grand with DJ Alex English and guest DJs.

Mariah Carey hosting M2 with a DJ Set by Nick Cannon seems a bit frightening but could wind up to be major fun. Both Scores and Penthouse are throwing hot DJs at us, and the dancing girls of course will be paid no mind. I am particularly interested in the Made in Italy party, which somehow gained access to the old Twilo space and will open it for this night.

My favorite invites were the Greenhouse “Pimps and Pin-ups” announcement, which features Dennis Rodman and some hotties of course. The funniest was Halloween @ the Highline Ballroom, which reads ”Disco balls, hairy bushes, and cheesy mustaches galore! It’s back to 70’s Halloween @ THE HIGHLINE BALLROOM as we bring you the REWIND SHOW BOOGIE NIGHTS HALLOWEEN EDITION!! Dress to impress for the BIGGEST thing since old men discovered Viagra.” In the “I wish you didn’t go there” category is Bagatelle’s “Thriller” event: “Please Join Bagatelle’s Team And Help Us To Bring Back Michael Jackson From The Dead ... Costumes Are A Must, Best Costume Will Win A Bottle Of Dom Perignon.” Lest we forget. I guess.

Tenjune is celebrating the “release of Saw VI with a performance by Maino, singing his hit song ‘All the Above,’ and music by Sean Perry.” Carmen D’Alessio, Gordon Von Broock, Alexandre Di Lolli , and Mark Baker want you to go to (I can still smell the paint and glue) the new Juliet; then there’s Candyland Halloween @ the Carlton Hotel with music by Nick Cohen and decor by Steve Lewis (yeah, that Steve Lewis). We’re also doing the Hotel Horror décor down at the Chelsea Hotel in Atlantic City. Masquerade @ 105 Rivington carries the tagline “make this your Final Destination with musique by Neil Aline & Benjamin Deffe.” This small venue is about to get a facelift and might be great late.

Finally, when you find yourself in daylight the next day with wig agog, cape lost, and blue suede shoes stepped on time and time again—what to do? Here’s an offering from Richard Burroughs:

You’re hungover and need more drinks and food to ease you into Monday.....Well BINGO, you’ve hit the jackpot, cause we’ve got the HALLOWEEN HANGOVER HELPER just for you. Delicious food, great drinks and music on the LES. We’ve got awesome Sangria specials, an extended Early bird Happy Hour from 2pm-7:30pm and our late nite Happy Hour from 12am-2am.So come on down (Like the Price Is Right) and get that Hangover off your back, after Halloween. If you dressed up and got messed up on Halloween night, don’t be afraid to rock that costume again :)....unless you reeaalllly messed it up!

Where is this brilliant and possibly life-saving feast? 71 Clinton Street at the Fat Hippo.