Happy Birthday to Me!

How old am I? Well, I’ve been around since before the beatles ... no, not the band, the species. And I’m so tired that my cell phone number is 1-800-DIAL-A-MATTRESS. Tonight, to celebrate my birthday, I will be at Greenhouse. I will DJ a set of records that I bought when they came out before you were born. I’ll be in the DJ booth so I won’t have to actually chat with many people, and I will take no requests since I only own 16 records and your requests won’t be one of them.

Why someone my age actually still enjoys nightlife is subject of much debate around the table at my parents’ house—which includes a lawyer, a judge, a radio personality, and people whose idea of fun at night is staying up late to see Letterman. I can only say that I am addicted to it. I’ll get over it along with my addiction to young, beautiful girls (which has left me single yet again). Groucho Marx once said, “You’re only as young as the woman you feel,” but maybe it’s time for me to stop using a comedian as a role model. No joke Uncle Stevie. My editors want to do a find-Steve-a-mate kind of promotional contest, but I’m sure no one will want the job—I’m no Bret Michaels. My friends who have been keeping quiet about it for a couple of years are now coming out and asking me, “What were you expecting? She was more than 30 years younger than you.” Everyone seems to be correct, so they asked me for the top ten reasons why an old club dude like me dates young girls, and I will share them.

10. It really pisses of your exes.
9. Their dads tend to be younger than you, so you can say things like, “Shut the fuck up, son.”
8. They believe you when you tell them, “I’m going to see the game with my friends.”
7. You can buy them a gift for 300 bucks, and they think you’re P. Diddy.
6. You can tell them to “Shut the fuck up,” and they think you’re hot!
5. They actually believe you when you tell them you love them.
4. In ten years they’ll be like 30.
3. You can mold them into the woman you want
2. They actually think you’re good in bed

And the number one reason why an old dude like me dates really young women is:

1. They’re home a lot, so you don’t have to sweat Fed-Ex deliveries any longer.

Now, good luck finding me a date after that! Tonight at Greenhouse, my first record will be The Undertones’ “Teenage Kicks” and my last will be James Brown’s “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag.” I know—but I’m still crazy after all these years ...