Gwyneth Paltrow Teaches Us How to Manage Stress

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The irony of Gwyneth Paltrow presuming to know anything about stress is obvious enough to hardly merit comment, so let’s dig right in. The newest edition of indispensable lifestyle guide GOOP contains a feature on stress management. Gwyn outsources the advice to her stable of “experts”:

I have never been very good at handling stress (though a bit of meditation helps), and I wanted some very practical ways of reducing it that I could use during the course of my day. I got some good answers that don’t require a 90 minute yoga class, or flying to a hippie style silent retreat (I’ve actually done one—don’t ask), just simple things that we all have access to. Here they are!

Of course she’s done a “hippie style silent retreat.” Of course.

Sample tips for those of you with actual stress in your lives:

* From Dr. Oz: “Adaptogenic herbs such as rhodiola, ashwaganda, and ginseng help to regulate the body and bring it back to its normal function.” * From a homeopathic doctor named Oliver Bros: “Breathing is a beautiful and pure way of bringing yourself back into the moment, to not only push the play button again, but to refocus your energy. Have you been breathing while you’ve been reading this? No? How about giving it a quick try?” * From something called “Body Studio”: “If you have had a very stressful day at work, massage the head with coconut oil or cold pressed sesame oil. Massage the sides of the head, front, and back. Then use the fingertips like you are washing your hair for 2-3 minutes. Then, when you have finished, grab parts of the hair and pull away from the scalp.” No. * From a founder of Raising Malawi, Madonna’s not-totally-solvent charity: “It’s not a coincidence that after a hard or disappointing day, perhaps being stuck in the rain with your car broken down, or after a bad argument or breakup, there’s nothing your body craves more than a hot bath and also, perhaps a glass of wine.” This one I can get behind.