Happy Passover: What the Jews Won’t Do

To all the goyim out there, guess what: The Jews have an Easter-esque holiday, too. It's Passover, and it tells the story of how we, the Jews, got the hell out of dodge after Moses talked to a burning bush and decided that we needed to bounce from Egypt, the Pharaoh, and slavery. Word. I could explain it for you -- there're ten plagues, four sons, four questions, twenty someodd glasses of Manny, and a 50-hour-long meal where you have to snack on flat, tasteless "bread" for 49 hours before you get to anything substantial -- but it's best put on display in Charlton Heston's most substantial work (besides Beneath the Planet of the Apes), the never irrelevant The Ten Commandments. Go watch it.

That being said, the longstanding tradition of Jewish guilt prevents me from really partaking in anything not Passover-related for this time. I’m not really an observant Jew, but if my mother, my mother’s parents, or the rabbi who had the unfortunate “pleasure” of bar-mitzvah’ing me ever found out I wasn’t carrying the torch in some regard, I would be guilted into joining a kibbutz, which is the Jewish version of a cult. Which is why I’m here to offer some counter-programming for anybody who doesn’t celebrate Passover, as a way to take advantage of all the places and things New York’s Jews won’t be found shelling out for over the next two days (besides Murray Hill, obviously).

Eats - Kosher law prevents Jews from eating pork or shellfish, and mixing meat and cheese. Even the least-observant Jew probably won’t be found at Momofuku Ssäm Bar tonight, where the epic Bo Ssam (must be ordered ahead) presents you and seven other people with an entire pork shoulder, some bibb lettuce, 12 oysters, and rice (a puffy, leavened grain). Blue Smoke in Gramercy makes a mean pulled pork sandwich and a great mac n’ cheese to go with it. Located close to BlackBook HQ, they also rock an awesome bourbon selection, which (as a grain alcohol) can’t be enjoyed by the Jews today. Finally, the New York Times—the most Jew-tastic mainstream news organization in the history of news—has the (sacrilege!) bahn mi, a decidedly pork-on-pork-on-pork-on-bread sandwich, on the front page of the Dining section today (complete with nifty graphic). We recommend Baoguette, who has really great doughy, tasty leavened bread to eat on their sammies, but whatever you do, don’t order delivery from them.

Travel - Last-minute trips to Egypt? You bet your ass the Jews will not be there. I checked on Expedia today to see if they offered up anything special for Passover—nothing specifically mentioning the holiday, unfortunately, but they do have incredibly cheap fares to Cairo. Screengrab above; $874, all things considered? Not so bad.

Nightlife - Steve Lewis’ blog is one year old, and the man is having a party to celebrate at Greenhouse. Someone already called him out on it; having a party on the first night of Passover? Semitic attendance could be sparse. It’s sponsored by Svedka—a not so Kosher-for-Passover libation—so Haggadah-approved drinking options at Greenhouse could be limited. Since they don’t carry the Manny, the motherly-guilt-oriented might not be seen there tonight. Begging Uncle Steve himself for admittance (or forgiveness) is highly encouraged.


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