Hollywood Will Tear Down Your Childhood By Building Terrible Lego Movie

Back when I was a third of whatever age I am now, I used to play with Legos. Because growing up, we were only allowed to watch a half hour of television a day and I typically did so by watching reruns of I Dream of Jeannie. In the meanwhile, I had to find other, more productive ways to spend the remaining time. So I spent mine by accessorizing the only lady Lego person in the entire set with a sword in one hand and the head of one of her male Lego counterparts in the other. It was kind of my own twisted re-creation of that Lorena Bobbitt business that was the rage some years ago. And if this was to be the premise for Hollywood's upcoming latest slice 'n' dice of my generation's childhood, as conceived by Todd Solondz or any other morose auteur, I'd say, "Bring it!" But now Hollywood is flipping all of us the bird and announcing, "It's been brung."

In fact, it’s been brung so badly that the same hacks snipping through the Tom & Jerry remake are penning the plot for this flick, too. But the ultimate harbinger of terror, doom, destruction, and inevitable apocalypse? That its life on-screen can be described best as “family comedy that will mix live action and animation.” What’s that saying that children these days employ when something tragic strikes and the universe starts unraveling consequently? Ah, yes. FML.