Robert Pattinson Stalker vs. Pregnant Kristen Stewart & Other Indecencies

There have been some nasty rumors circling that New York (and specifically its Twilight fans) is eating Robert Pattinson alive. Then today, some brash Australian news service tried to one-up Michael Jackson Day by speculating that Kristen Stewart is pregnant with Pattinson's baby. To address these shocking allegations, we went to our most authoritative source on all things RP: our Robert Pattinson stalker intern.

Robert Pattinson is in full-on brooding mode in every picture I’ve seen of him lately, and for good reason. Not only is my main man not smiling much, but he’s been instructed to not even look at his fans. The rumor mill has taken a toll on poor Robert and our relationship. I wish all the tabloids would just shut it and leave us alone.

Newsweekly Australia’s “breaking” news that Kristen Stewart is preggers and Robert Pattinson is the possible baby-daddy has taken over gossip websites and has Robert-lovers across the nation traumatized and a little grossed out.  Although I can automatically deny that Robert is cheating on me, I did a little research to calm my nerves that anyone would go close enough to Kristen Stewart to get her pregnant. The report states that Kristen was sporting a small baby-belly on the set of her movie The Runaways. After careful review of this photo, I can officially state Kristen is not only not pregnant (which she also denies), but she is getting a little spare tire around the midriff. Perhaps her mullet has made not only her hair, but also her belly white-trash-tastic. Or maybe the constant shooting of her new movie has gotten in the way of her extracurricular activities (i.e. puffing a cancer stick or other smokeable substances). I can assume that Kristen would kick the habit were she with child, but she’s still puffing away like a chimney, thus confirming that she isn’t having Robert Pattinson’s baby and saving me a very uncomfortable phone call.

But Robert is still brooding. He’s still frowning, and his weight loss and stress are becoming more and more visible. Lately, Robert hasn’t shown up in any of our usual hangouts, and his friends and I are worried about him. It seems, according to the newest tabloid buzz, that the city that never sleeps has worn Robert out—that, and the women that never sleep when there is RPattz stalking to be done. Black and White bar and B Bar are now swarming with eager twentysomething fangirls hoping for a glimpse of Robert. In a desperate attempt to avoid his crazy fans, Robert hides out in multiple hotels and longs for London and the escape from New York Rob mobs. Obviously he doesn’t respond well to the fanatic groping attempts, so just give him some space and he should come around to New York in due time.