Is Tori Spelling the Next Coming of Maurice Sendak?

Tori Spelling, for all her time on this sinking planet, has done very little good. So before we tie her to rafters and gather to heckle her with beets for her ruinous contributions to the already-crumbling world of children's literature, let's fondly recall the good times. As few as they were. Like when she guested on Smallville as a non-journalist with a vicious mean streak. Or when she gave us a woefully short-lived, camptastic comedy in the vein of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Oh yes, the book. Straight from the horse’s mouth: “I just wrote an illustrated children’s book. It’s going to be launching in about a year, but I just finished the text.” There’s really no telling how coherent Tori Spelling’s text will be. But there is a precedent for narcissistic celebrities of a certain hair color clawing out extended relevance by authoring stupid children books! Madonna had The English Roses. Geri Halliwell, meanwhile, cobbled together pig slop and called it Ugenia Lavender. But not content with tearing down one art form, Halliwell subjected us to further terror by singing the book’s accompanying theme tune. But perhaps in the glittering, punch-drunk world of Celebrita, where fame is always in higher demand than Klonopin, children’s books are perhaps how high-profile moms tell their kids, “I love you.” Because a hug is just too damn much to ask for.

In Spelling’s case, children’s books are a great way to demonstrate mother-child bonding. She says, “Liam’s favorite is Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. I introduced him to that because when I was little, my mom used to read that to me and I loved it!” And now you two are barely speaking. But details, shmetails.