Jessica Simpson to Create OkCupid Profile?

Hey Jessica, overshare! Even the most down-on-our-luck among us never actually 'fess up to online dating. You know who may openly admit to online dating, but even they might not come off so desperate? Lepers. Do you have a granulomatous disease of the peripheral nerves and mucosa of the upper respiratory tract, Jessica Simpson? I didn't think so. Although you did date John Mayer and that may have been comparable. Also, I know this dead dog business is taking a toll your psyche. Even as I type, it's making you think that the time you pretty openly ripped off John Mellencamp, you did the world a favor. You didn't, Jessica. You didn't.

Still, tell us Jess. As you bark at your assistant to fill out your profile and attach the cutest photo from five years ago that you can find to your OkCupid/eHarmony/Match.com profile, what are you looking for? A long-term relationship? Short-term? Friends with benefits? Casual sex encounters? Someone to play Uno with?

What level of education does your perfect paramour possess, and more importantly, how much money does he need to make? Would you rather date an intellectual netting six figures a year, or a just-out-of-high-school football jock with zero workplace potential? What are your favorite movies, Jessica Simpson? Also, are you okay with lighting up a spliff and listening to The Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz if your boyfriend suggests it? Even if on your dating profile you ticked the box next to “Never” next to where it asks if you dabble in recreational drugs?

What about your favorite foods? Is it a dealbreaker if your date takes his roast beef with a generous heaping of horseradish sauce? What about books, Jessica? Jessica! Pay attention. Now, what about books? Does your man need to be able to read Sartre and afterward discuss it at great length or is Green Eggs & Ham more your speed? What are your hobbies? No Jessica, “cuddly-wuddly” is not a hobby. How important is your dad’s approval for any dates you bring home?

And most importantly, if one wanted to contact you, how would one do so? By chatting with your publicist? Consider it done, Big J.