Recasting the Next Batman After the Christian Bale Tantrum Trauma

It's a relief to know that few are taking Christian Bale's absurd man-trum sitting down. His gratuitous lobbing of F-bombs at a crew member on the set of Terminator: Salvation has no doubt made a considerable number of us forsake him as our caped crusader of choice. If anything, he's the spitting image of Two-Face, as he's doubtlessly more convincing than Aaron Eckhart in the role. Perhaps Batman director Christopher Nolan should eye a release date beyond 2011. Because ultimately we're a culture of fickle amnesiacs, and by then, more traumatic things will have happened. For instance, like Jennifer Connelly melting down after coming to terms with the fact that no, it wasn't a nightmare; she did star in this schlocky rom-com. And contrastingly, that'll make Bale's freakout look positively microscopic. Nolan may be firm in that release date, in which case, he'll need some help recasting Batman. Considering that most of the next film has already been cast, this shouldn't be too difficult.

● Jake Gyllenhaal. At some point, Tobey Maguire was talking about leaving the Spider-Man franchise to do serious fare (cue Seabiscuit trailer), and in the slim amount of time between when that statement was issued and retracted, Jake Gyllenhaal had emerged has a favorite to replace him. So clearly, Gyllenhaal, who in the past has played Jennifer Aniston’s stalker, a gay cowboy and some guy in Jarhead who traipsed about in a Santa hat, has a distinguishable superhero mark.

● Ryan Gosling. But Gyllenhaal’s indie appeal—the thread that runs through all of Batman’s principals—could have faded. And if that’s the case, maybe Nolan can bring in Gosling, who also sports the luster of an Oscar nominee.

● Jared Leto. No, seriously. Hot Topic wardrobe choices and raccoon make-up aside, Leto has considerable experience brooding. Also his Brooklyn accent sounds much less contrived than Bale’s. And so long as he doesn’t try to use the film to plug his music, I’d be willing to consider Leto as Batman. For further persuasion, consider these two words: Jordan Catalano.

● Gael García Bernal. Sure, he’s diminutive and does a mean Doris Day impression, but there’s still a streak of rebel in Bernal that makes him quite equipped to be a surprise superhero. Additionally, he’s both Oscar-friendly and a friend of the indies. Also, of those listed, he’d probably be the only one to forgo the unfortunate trademark Batman rasp.