Lindsay Lohan Advises Entire World to Ignore Unstable Father

What better way to cap a rollicking weekend of I-told-you-sos and unexpected redemption than a friendly caveat from Lindsay Lohan! She issued a series of tweets telling her fans to ignore the frantic yawps of her father. Unlike Lohan's other pleas to the world, we'll have no trouble getting on board with this. Because the circumstances surrounding the mayhem are even more fractured than Lohan's perception of the world around her. It's like the difference between this and this.

Last we heard, Lindsay Lohan’s father (whose name we’ll abstain from saying aloud as per her wishes) firmly believed that in order for LiLo to become a viable commodity for his freeloading parasitic ways, she needed to go to rehab. But LiLo, being an adult, refused. And now, her father has decided on the most sensible way to coax Linds into the hallowed halls of an upstanding sanatorium: blackmail! He had taped conversations to prove that Linday’s mother is covering up for the starlet’s addictions. Despite a price tag of $100,000, he decided to ultimately to fork the tapes over to RadarOnline in an agreement that finds him forgoing the $100,000 for some undisclosed wad of cash and an interview with the website. Keepin’ it classy, Zombie Radar!

Said Lindsay Lohan’s father to Page Six, “This isn’t about money or getting paid, it’s about saving my daughter.” He also argued that the taped conversations occurred in New York, where it’s legal to wiretap without the other’s consent. Such parental concern! Remember that talk about how LiLo’s implosion was inevitable considering how early on she was orphaned--in spite of having two bipedal parental units with fully-functioning motor skills? This makes all that sink to a new, grimy low.

In addition to lobbying the threats of legal action at her husband, Lindsay Lohan’s mother is also wring some child maintenance payments out of him. LiLo and aspiring pop star sister Ali are meanwhile filing restraining orders. The below pop cacophony from LiLo’s past contextualizes her reality eerily well. It also it makes us feel less bad for secretly wanting Papa Lohan to stare down the eye of Hurricane Ida.