Marriage Inequality: Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt Celebrate First Anniversary Together

As Courtney Alice Shayne once said in Jawbreaker, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Today of all days find that maxim to ring so loud as to dig irreversibly into our ears so that we may never be able to shake the truth of the statement from our heads. Take this horrible juxtaposition of two facts. Fact: Marriage equality is dead in most of the country! Fact: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have just celebrated their first anniversary of splashing around in the straights-only marriage pool. It's an epic occasion. So momentous for the pair that they're celebrating it apart from one another. Huh?

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“My spirit will be with my wife, but my body will be ringside at my business partner’s [boxing match],” Pratt told Jimmy Kimmel. But Montag rebuffed, “I’ll take his credit card, be in Beverly Hills shopping, and never look back.” Seriously? Buuuut, the tragedy continues! “And I have three puppies, so I’ll take them. I like cooking more for them anyway.” Goddammit, Montag. That’s eye-gougingly depressing. That’s called a Friday night in for any even-tempered spinster. Oh, Heidi. You should’ve Anna Nicole Smith-ed it and married a decrepit oil tycoon banging on death’s door. Especially if you couldn’t even earn a ribwich with fries on your first anniversary as a married couple.