‘Melrose Place’ as ‘Mansfield Park’ with Steamy Promos

Oh, them of silvery wit at The CW's marketing department! You see what they've done here? They've taken "ménage à trois," which essentially means, "A domestic arrangement in which three people having sexual relations occupy the same household," and transformed it, as if by some kind of genius bit of sorcery ... into ménage à Tues. And while we could LOL, ROFL, WTF, and OMG over the onomatopoeiaic brilliance between such a phrase-turn, we would be wise to take it as a subliminal message from the network. I mean, really, all they're saying is the new Melrose Place will have love triangles! Or perhaps we can look into the literary significance of such ad art.

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And unless it involves Ashlee Simpson-Wentz having some seriously disturbed Sapphic dabbles á la The L Word, it’s all kind of been there-done that. Also, the same marketing monkeys did something something similar last fall for Gossip Girl. Maybe there’s something more bubbling beneath. A Jane Austen homage, perhaps? It would be quite timely, indeed. Perhaps through some of the supporting cast of Austen’s Mansfield Park, a book dubbed controversial in part because of its own love triangle between Henry Crawford and sisters Maria and Julia Bertram, we can scry something deeper.

Colin Egglesfield: By default, his character is Henry Crawford, who the sisters Bertram pine for. And look at those smoldering eyes. You can tell he’s thinking: “I am of a cautious temper, and unwilling to risk my happiness in a hurry.  Nobody can think more highly of the matrimonial state than myself.  I consider the blessing of a wife as most justly described in those discreet lines of the poet, ‘Heaven’s last best gift.’”

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz: So if we’re to believe there’s “a thing” brewing between Simpson’s character and Egglesfield’s character, this puts Simpson in the place of Maria Bertram. All her laments from the novel stem from how she is a slave to circumstance and this marriage of convenience with Mr. Rushworth, who ultimately leaves her husband to runs away with Henry Crawford.

Laura Leighton: This leaves Leighton to assume the role of Julia Bertram, Maria’s younger sister, who quietly pines away for Henry Crawford. And look at the distance between Leighton and Egglesfield. So much pining!