Mickey Rourke Proposes to Russian Boxer-Turned-Pop Princess

Ever since he got an Oscar nomination for playing to type, Mickey Rourke has become quite the objet du désir among all of us who have a soft spot for surly beasts with unwashed manes. But sadly all of us are no match for Russian popstrel Irson Kudikova. She claims that The Ram was so smitten with her that he proposed to her while visiting Moscow on Iron Man-related pursuits.

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Opting to forgo the sacrosanctness of marriage proposals, Kudikova blabbed to tabs, “He told me, ‘You’re a fantastic woman. I want to marry you.’” Notable excerpts from her curriculum vitae include a fling with He-Man Dolph Lundgren, international non-hits like this and this, a past as a pro-boxer, and most importantly, a salacious Maxim photo essay--sans essay.

Kudikova, however, is cut from a mold of emergent career women, the likes of which Mickey Rourke has always sought, what with Bai Ling stepping in as Rourke-forker before her, months ago. The New York Post dismisses these “emergent career women” as nothing more than a pair of bubbly fame whores riding the comeback king’s coat-tails to the A-list. At least they’re still doing something that could, in some alternate universe where Cynthia McKinney rules the free world, be construed as work. Unlike another certain passenger on the coat-tail express. Ideally, the Rourke-Kudikova happily ever after should include the following: A scene-by-scene reenactment of Beauty & the Beast, with Lundgren himself stepping in as Gaston and Kudikova’s best Toni Basil homage.