Missed Connections: Rosie O’Donnell + Angelina Jolie

With the "R" in her LTR set to splinter off and drop out entirely for Rosie O'Donnell, perhaps there's no time like the present to go on the record about close calls and missed encounters. O'Donnell, known most famously for portraying Betty Rubble in the 1994 film adaptation of The Flintstones, has already hinted at trouble brewing between her and partner Kelli Carpenter. And while no one's driven the final stake through their love, O'Donnell's already started shooting her mouth off about a sweet, tender, steamy love that once almost was. With Angelina Jolie no less. It's a tale as old as time itself, but evergreen like pines in the Great North. It's the traditional tale of the fat girl waiting by the punch bowl at the prom for the sexy mom of six to float over to her and initiate the first dance.

But! This story doesn’t have a happy ending. O’Donnell says, “She gave me her phone number. We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through.” Sniffle. But lo, it gets worse! “I was a little afraid of her. She’s scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still.” And in those dreams, Angelina does actually float over to Rosie and extend a silvery-gloved hand out to her, as this gentle country tune underscores the loving glances they exchange. But then, tragedy! Upon grabbing Angelina’s hand, Rosie is alarmed, then grief-stricken, to find her True Heart’s Desire dissolve into a thousand sparks. After waking up, chilled sweats and all, she finds that all she has in her hands is a memory of what almost was. Then Rosie swears off good humor and embarks on a series of self-destructive life choices. Like the one below.