Manhattan’s Sad, Sad Eating Disorder

Are you aware that the entire island kingdom of Manhattan has a nasty eating disorder? Unless you've been stumbling down Park Avenue blindfolded, it probably strikes you as no surprise that the carb-counting borough is prone to drunkorexia, fad diets, and curious cleanses. It should be even less surprising that verifiable research has dubbed Manhattan the skinniest county in this wide/wide-waisted nation of ours. But there's still a disturbingly glorifying Times trend piece, entitled "Where Thin People Roam, and Sometimes Even Eat," which states the obvious, almost reverently. Affectionately, even. This, in a time when women across the world continue to be force-fed to achieve the exact opposite result and live among others who starve to death. So what diet, as gleaned from the poorly-titled anthropological dissection of Manhattan skinnies, is right for you?

The Starving Artist Diet: One of the subjects in the piece is “a slender yet muscular painter who lives among the trendy boutiques and bars of SoHo.” His breakfast consists entirely of coffee and cigarettes. Apart from the fact that he’s on the fast track to getting ulcers, it’s actually quite Jim Jarmusch of him. And it’s a smart diet! In the morning, you’re probably hungry enough to tear into an entire roast pig, let alone a few slabs of bacon—but why not tell your stomach to quit its grumbling racket with such over-the-counter appetite suppressants!

The Society Women Diet: This is your most realistic option. After your daily strenuous yogalates work-out, why not round up a gaggle of your self-medicating friends hop over to Sant Ambroeus for a liquid lunch?

The Hipster Diet: Just three important elements: an eight-ball, a gym membership, and a dream.

The Forced Fashion Diet: Just like magazines slimming down in time for Fashion Week, you decide you’ll become pencil-thin enough to fit into whatever the designers launch down runways this fall. The means aren’t important (colonics, lipo, The Society Women Diet, or any combination thereof), but the end is.

The Hobo Diet: While with this diet, the objective is simple: eat something, anything to stay survive. This puts you in the unsavory position of having to debate whether Spam or cockroaches are a better source of protein, as clearly there is a higher abundance of one than the other.

The Real Person Diet: How charming! $5 chicken sandwiches from a curbside halal cart. Mixed with regular exercise. This diet may just be crazy enough to work.