No One Wants to Finance Madonna’s New Science Fiction Movie

By performing enough spells to burn mid-sized Prussian villages to the ground, flighty mogulista Madonna is now finally rid of ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Which frees her up to try her own hand at being an auteur. This works well! Because there won't be awkward bedroom exchanges that find Ritchie sulking, spouting, "Oh. I'm the filmmaker in this family, but people obviously like your crappy films better than my crappy films! Harrumph," and Madonna groaning and offering, "No, no sweetheart, you're a special person," as she applies witch hazel to her chapped cheeks and swigs a half bottle of Maalox before nodding off. Oh, those olds and their Maalox. Projects that will suffer premature ends then: the album campaign for her umpteenth greatest hits and some finishing school for Malawi girls that she was heading up she was heading up. The barge is already headed for another port, and so on.

A little while ago, Madonna revealed her plans to script some flick about true love by placing the Duke and Duchess of Windsor at the center of her film. And then by tacking a parallel plot point which focused on a New York couple, though she was careful to add that the New York couple were obviously tokens of her rich imagination. Her publicist told some rag or other, “She did a lot of research on the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.” Wikipedia is rife with insight about Wallis Simpson, the Duchess of Windsor. This project may or may not be dubbed W.E..

Sadly, the flick’s proving a hard sell for backers. Perhaps it would make sense for her to bill it as science fiction or dark humor if she insists on leveraging the “romance” angle? Or if her last stab at directing hadn’t blown such chunks?

In 2008, She helmed, wrote, and singlehandedly created Filth and Wisdom? And that opened to horrible reviews and ultimately posted unimpressive box-office returns. If only there was a way to encourage her to step away from the camera and go back to cone bras. If only.