Someday, I’m going to sit down my adopted boy or girl who was cruelly wrenched away from his/her/its loving family of Himalayan sherpas and explain, “Once upon a time, people used to have relationships. They used to exchange mixtapes that typically had horrible songs by Sophie B. Hawkins because they loved each other and that’s what love used to sound like. They didn’t have to worry about the needling scrutiny of 500-plus near-strangers, thumbing through their photo album about that cute date at the arcade, where they played Mortal Kombat and noisily slurped Big Gulps. When they weren’t happy with each other, they would just sleep with each other’s best friends, not post passive-aggressive status updates. And back then, no one really had status updates. People would actually live their lives, instead of writing about living out their lives. Yes, little Lha-mo, the 1990s were golden, wondrous times.” But unfortunately, we’re not so far along. So instead, let’s wonder what the proper course of action would be for the latest member of the celebrity fustercluck to suffer break-up tragedy via Twitter: Lindsay Lohan. Seriously, who else would you be expecting?
Recap: Lindsay Lohan, who recently implored us sickos to leave her alone, lashed out very publicly against Sam Ronson over Twitter. She accused her of infidelity. As sickos, we’re entitled to the following tweets: “I was right all along. Cheat. Being cheated on does wonders to you (sic).” and “Look, im doing this publicly because u+ur friends call people mag .. so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you (sic).” Sad face. But since Twitter’s great for grief, Facebook is the passive-aggressor’s weapon of choice for retaliation. Available in her arsenal:
● Cancel the relationship. Swift and painless. It’ll be like all that relationship melodrama never existed. No hard feelings, either. But this is too simple for La Lohan. Also, no collateral damage means it’s a definite no-go.
● Block. Nothing is bitchier than the Block. In one fell swoop, this axes the relationship and then boots Ronson from Lohan’s Friends list. Bitchy, yes. Still, too simple. At least as a preliminary blow.
● De-tagging. Although more passive than aggressive, Lohan seems like she’d be the type to de-tag herself from photos featuring her and Ronson, if not take down entire photo albums altogether.
● Wall posts. This could be up LiLo’s alley. Her tweets could even be repurposed into a series of Wall posts, until Ronson decides to cut of Lohan’s posting privileges. Which is where the next jab could be delivered.
● Status updates. Here’s where Lohan’s war of attrition would happen. Carefully crafted updates like, “Lindsay is at The Waverly Inn ‘n feedin’ Seanie the mac ‘n cheese lol” and “Who needs luv when ya got Fornarina lol” could go a long way to riling Ronson. And when Ronson starts sending private messages begging LiLo to take her back, Lohan could possibly deliver that fatal Block as the end-all of the relationship.
● Logging in as someone else. But honestly, even that wouldn’t actually be the end-all. Like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female, Lohan won’t let the split rest easily. Nor is the type to burn effective bridges, like that with Sam’s brother Mark (after all, she’s still working on that third album and may well need a smart producer.) After enough pestering, he’d probably agree to let her log-in as him. In the off-chance he says no, there’s always Chace Crawford. But either way, after logging into scout out Ronson’s next DJ engagement, we’ll all basically be back to square one.