Dear Uncle Steve: Relationship Advice from Steve Lewis & a Girl

Dear Uncle Steve: My wife of three years -- conservative, incredibly sexy, Catholic -- just asked me to agree to and arrange a threesome as her birthday gift. I never saw this coming, but I’m obviously intrigued and thrilled. How on earth do I choose a woman who’s right for this? And how do I propose the scenario to our new "friend"?

Dubiously, Three's Company

Dear Three’s Company: The timing is your problem.

You must cash in your trifecta ticket on a specific date, and that can sometimes be difficult. Since you have yourself a sexy wife, I must assume you’ve got some chops yourself. In that case, you must be hit on from time to time by other women. As a loyal husband in the past, you’ve rebuked these advances. Now it’s time to flirt back. When that little gal moves in, suggest the threesome scenario. Try “I think you’re stupid hot, but I never cheat on my wife. Would you want to join us one evening for drinks? She’s really sexy and has asked me to keep my eyes open for a beautiful, smart, and provocative girl to join us.” Many women will find it sweet that you’re a loyal husband. They may think they’re providing a service or doing a good deed. Make sure you have a smokin’ photo of your wife in your wallet. They always ask to see one.

xoxo, Uncle Steve

Advice from a girl: Make sure you open up the table for discussion with your wife about how she envisions the experience and what kind of woman she’d prefer to have in your marital bed. If you bring home a buxom blonde straight out of the Girls Next Door casting, your wife may be intimidated, turned off, or peeved with your selection. The last thing you or your significant other need is a passive-aggressive buzz kill ruining your bedroom fantasy.

Dear Uncle Steve: My girlfriend fears the BJ. I’ve been telling obscene, oral jokes in the company of others and sexting her hints for the past few months. How can I lessen her fear of fellatio?

Rousingly, BJ Deprived

Dear BJ Deprived: Next time you’re in bed with this biatch, grab her by her head and show her where it’s at. Tell her to get the f— on that shit or get the f— out. Stop hinting, you wuss. Just take her. Fear of fellatio? What, she was traumatized by a giant penis and can’t face another? She must know by now that you’re not packing a weapon of mass destruction. Hey, what’s her name? Maybe I know her…

xoxo, Uncle Steve

Advice from a girl: Women often develop a “fear of fellatio” because they’re not sure just how to do it right. We’ve all heard the horror stories from guy friends about the “horrifically bad BJ Queen.” Wait until the opportunity opens up in a heated, partially clothed moment, and seductively tell her what you’d like and how she can do it efficiently. Don’t be vulgar.

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