Scrappy Kim Kardashian to Seduce, Destroy on ‘CSI’

In a television role custom-engineered for the bawdy likes of Kim Kardashian, the fitness guru/gay heroine/reality TV icon/one-time porn starlet/former Dancing with the Stars contestant/part-time lesbian will be adding "stabby seductress" to her expanding skillset. For CSI: New York, Kardashian will be slapping on a few layers of Spanx in order to fit into a corset many sizes too small, shoehorning her size 10s into a glossy pair of eff-me-pumps, and sharpening her shiv.

Some other bint, noted for eating the veggie dip at MTV’s craft services table or something, will be joining Kardashian. But no one’s really heard from her lately.

There’s no doubt that she can throw a few punches. Kardashian takes a little time out of her busy day of crime-fighting and self-defense to discuss the role with People. “I am so excited to be working with Vanessa again,” Kardashian says, possibly while holding her shiv up to the sky to see if it catches the sunlight just right. It’s tough times in Chino these days and Kardashian’s gotta watch her back. “I am fascinated by crime scene investigating. I swear, I wish I was a crime scene investigator sometimes!” Kardashian tucks the shiv into her lacy garter. A scream or a muffle comes from the trunk of her car. Kardashian snickers. “I’m having such a good time expanding my roles. I truly love branching out into different characters.” Kardashian and that other girl from MTV who once dated Nick Lachey were last seen in 2008’s Disaster Movie.

The other girl hasn’t been seen since and it’s believed that Kardashian, despite having only a one-off appearance on CSI, has completely become immersed in her role for the crime soap. After another muffle, Kardashian’s fist comes down hard on the ‘66 Impala’s trunk. The muffled cries stop.