Sharon Osbourne on Susan Boyle: “She Looks Like a Slapped Arse”

"Old hag!", "Wigged, wailing walrus!", "Shriveled she-beast!", "Miserable old cow!" and "Are you still upset that someone prettier replaced you on X-Factor?" are among a litany of barbs that come promptly to mind when considering the unnecessarily sharp words Sharon Osbourne had to offer in a radio interview recently, on Susan Boyle, pop star for the everyperson. I mean sure, Osbourne could neatly dust her shrill outbursts under a make-believe category of "blunt observations." But if someone were to approach the Osbourne matriarch on the street and say, "Excuse me miss, I'd appreciate it if you could collect your dead skin after shedding it on the pavement. I have nothing against snake ladies, but that discarded snakeskin really is a blight on our quaint street," would that also fly as a "blunt observation"?

Osbourne’s fork-tongued outburst only gets tarter: “I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped arse. God bless her. It’s like, ‘You go girl’. She does look like a hairy arsehole.” When you take into consideration how grandmotherly Osbourne tries to seem, it makes sense to conclude that she’s simply projecting. Osbourne herself feels like an unwaxed derriere and no amount of liquid lunches can shake that feeling from her brain; no amount of botox can make her withering jowls perk up. But she continues! “[God] gave her the talent. Yes he did. [And] he hit her with a fucking ugly stick.”

You get the impression that Osbourne means well. She’s simply pressured into seeming “cool” and “one of the guys.” Especially considering that the soundbite was generated from an interview on The Opie & Anthony Show. But behind those nervous chuckles is just such a sad overtone of despair and self-loathing. Oh Sharon! God gave us SuBo so you would have a role model! Her interview is below. And in excellent news for SuBo, she continues to rack up sales, well in advance of I Dreamed A Dream’s release.