Sharon Osbourne to Susan Boyle: “Actually, I Look Like A Slapped Arse.”

Retractions make the gossip trade so darn wholesome. Fondly call to mind how Sharon Osbourne tried to tear asunder Susan Boyle's spirit with motives clearly only to other member of her species. Then yesterday, a game-changer! Boyle was bestowed with a crown (and perhaps a Venus Flytrap Playsuit from Agent Provocateur) when she was dubbed "Miss Sexy Beast 2009" by some international committee handpicked to determine such matters and that may or may not have counted Ozzy Osbourne among its principal jurors. Which then spurred a change of heart in Osbourne.

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After earning such sexsational praise, Boyle—a natural successor to Ishtar if ever there was one!—finds the snake goddess herself groveling at her feet, begging for forgiveness. Begging to be let back into the holy kingdom, lest she die an outcast, not a precious Chosen One, a true Boylean. Smite her first, Boyle!

Osbourne offered to the Daily Mail, “Susan Boyle is a lovely gracious woman and I took advantage of that by poking fun at her.” But snake goddesses, by nature are crafty. This apology could serve as a ruse and a gateway to wreak grater havoc on this pop star for the everyman.

She insists, though: “I would never want to be responsible for hurting Susan and I must apologize for getting a cheap laugh at her expense.” Goodness, Shazza. Humiliation achieved, perhaps S.O. can focus on another problem. That is, getting daughter Kelly Osbourne away from the dancefloor and to the first job at Tesco so she can pay off her $5,000+ cell phone bill. Luckily for apple-cheeked Kelly, she has a face custom-built for working in English supermarkets.