Sopranos Network Taps Newcomer Kirstie Alley for Docu-Series

“Meating” is when you take a fistful of raw meat and hide it between the cushions of your friend’s or girlfriend’s uncomfortable champagne-colored Pier One couch. I don’t know if it works with those amoeba bandage-quilted Ligne Roset ones. Frankly, I don’t want to know. I hate your couch and your uninviting lighting scheme. You call that three-point lighting!? Getting meated is embarrassing and always funny. Like that time your boyfriend ...

... was pastrami-sandwiched between you and your girlfriend Simone and he began freestyling in the back of that Friday-night cab. You thought that when he leaned forward to the driver and smirked, “I told you I was tight” that you would never live it down. BUT YOU DID! And Simone moved someplace. I bring this up because it was just announced that Kirstie Alley will be starring in a reality show. The premise is pretty straight forward. In the series Alley will be shown “producing a feature film, patenting multiple inventions, working hard to raise two normal Hollywood teenagers, taking care of eight ringtail lemurs and, on top of everything, looking for love.” Just your average actress-lemur-inventor from 1989s Loverboy showing the world how shit gets done.

Alley has been on Oprah a lot in her life to talk about her weight issues. But simple schadenfruede is not all she has to offer you, me, and the United States Patent Office. Alley is out to prove to the world that she isn’t your typical one-time Dharma & Greg guest star who just stops at seven ring-tailed lemurs. NO! EIGHT! (Women be pet shopping, right fellas?) And after the lemurs eat her alive Oprah will tell the world that the crazy inventions of the crazy lady from Summer School are her favorite things.