MTV VMAs: Losers, Winners, & Non-Winners

Last night, a whole lot of stuff happened at a variety show whose name is pronounced, "The Vee Em Eys." For the uninitiated, "The Vee Em Eys" is where people accept metallic statues of astronauts for the hard work of other less-famous and less-pretty people who are able to take their songs and make it evocatively crackle along to between three-and-a-half to four minutes of video footage. This footage may include a storyline, choreography, or a liberal usage of string bikinis. And like any high-budgeted awards telecast on a network desperately reaching for any residual shreds of credibility among viewers aged 12-24, there were winners and losers last night. And then there were those who just made us shrug. And none of this has to do with who won what last night, because everyone knows that the real prize is word-of-mouth.

Performer: Pink.
Defining moment: Live performance of “Sober.” Complete with a trapeze artist and impressive moments of actual singing in spite of strenuous aerial acrobatics.
Verdict: Winner.

Performer: Janet Jackson.
Defining moment: The impressive opening Michael Jackson dance tribute. Followed almost immediately by the cynical, online premiere of her next single, “Make Me,” which is one of her weaker songs, making this particular publicity stunt a bust.
Verdict: Non-winner.

Performer: Lady Gaga.
Defining moment: “Poker Face"/"Paparazzi" medley, complete with intricate choreography, a jaunty, spontaneous piano interlude, and eccentric gothic undertones.
Verdict: Winner.

Performer: Madonna.
Defining moment: Her heartfelt tribute to Jackson exposed a refreshingly more human side of her that is too often obscured by her career.
Verdict: Winner.

Performer: Kanye West.
Defining moment: That whole embarrassing thing with Taylor Swift which has already evolved into a meme.
Verdict: Loser.

Performer: Beyoncé.
Defining moment: Whenever the camera panned to her sitting in the audience; her “Single Ladies” performance; and that classy call-back of Swift after West’s cheesy diss.
Verdict: Winner.

Performer: The viewing audience.
Defining moment: Sitting through two hours of a showbiz circle-jerk dotted by desperate cries for attention. When you’re sorting through the shrapnel of Twitter hashtags and day-old Facebook statuses, you can see that the producers of this year’s VMAs really pulled a fast one over anyone who elected to watch this telecast over other inherently more superior things—like the finale of this vampire soap opera where a woman ended up confessing her love to a stag. Viewers were baited them with stunts, scripted or otherwise, designed to make the most out of their terrible oversharing habits and all consequent memes.
Verdict: Non-winner.