The Oscars by the Numbers

That bewildering hangover following every Oscars horror show is always bittersweet and relentless. We continue to pop Ibuprofen like one-a-days well into July, if only to weather the eight months of incomparably crappy movies (and consequently, Cameron Diaz) until November comes back around. Last night's trainwreck was thankfully different, however. Producers, aware of our ever-shortening attention spans, spiked the show with gimmicks like plucky musical numbers, a menagerie of iconic past Oscar winners, and Hugh Jackman's charm. And in case you spent most of the ceremony holding back Aunt Marguerite's hair while she made sick in the bathroom, here's a by-the-numbers recap of the proceedings -- although its fuzzy math doesn't purport to be nearly as accurate as the awards tabulation of PricewaterhouseCoopers or the Nielsen numbers that Oscar execs are anxiously awaiting. The dearth of double-digit occurrences is an indicator of the Academy's ability to keep things fresh this year.

Montages: 5.

Number of montages that were unnecessary: 3. Viewers at home did not need gentle reminders about what action, romance, and comedy genres looked like.

Anne Hathaway’s costume changes: 2. Once for the red carpet and consequent seat-filling and again for her song-and-dance number with Hugh.

Primary advertisers: 4. Although, 5 if you’re counting the ads for Dangerous Minds Music of the Heart The Soloist starring Jamie Foxx.

Busted pairs of lips: 2. While we can forgive Sophia Loren for looking like she just kissed a handful of magma, we can’t forgive Lisa Rinna for looking like Frankenstein’s bride. Especially since Angelina Jolie was on hand to demonstrate what a proper set of full lips looks like.

Times camera awkwardly panned to Brangelina while Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presented a pair of Best Animated categories: 5-7. Yes, we get it, producers. Trouble’s clearly brewing when Jennifer Aniston is looking down at Angelina Jolie from an elevated platform.

Songs contractually required in order for Beyonce to perform with Hugh Jackman: At least 4. Both “At Last” and “One Night Only” are showbiz classics that have been adapted into the mogulista’s oeuvre. And clearly, she’s eyeing “All That Jazz” for the next co-opted addition. But her most transparent bid at usurping all previous divas? “Lady Marmalade” obviously, which has been covered by lesser pop entities like this forgettable girl squad and a one-off combo that once included Christina Aguilera for Moulin Rouge.

Pleasantly kick-ass acceptance speeches: 3. First, director Kunio Kato, who ended his acceptance speech with “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.” But more importantly Sean Penn, who claimed Best Actor while managing to shame the red states. But there was also Philippe Petit, the subject of Man on Wire, who marked his victory by performing delightful magic tricks.

Forgivably maudlin acceptance speeches: Just one. But it was Kate Winslet, and she always knows how to pull all the right heart strings.

Awards that Slumdog Millionaire bagged: 8.

Awards that The Wrestler bagged: 0. Although Sean Penn did give Mickey Rourke notable props, which more notably warmed the big lug’s roid-addled heart.

Dry eyes in the audience after Heath Ledger’s family accepted the prize for Best Supporting Actor: 0.

Films you probably still won’t see despite their victories: 4. But I won’t judge you, as my Netflix habits don’t find me sniffing out documentary and short-film winners either.

Egregious fashion mistakes that even the uninitiated balked at: At least 4. Bill Maher’s leather blazer and Mickey Rourke’s, well, everything all evoked resounding WTFs. Similarly WTF-worthy was Marisa Tomei’s dress, which looked like irate schoolchildren had lobbed their textbooks at her and she just happened to have a savvy seamstress on hand. But the experts present a more thorough analysis.

Times Sarah Jessica Parker almost tripped over her obstructive Dior gown: Just once.

Unfortunate haircare decisions made by men: 3. Matthew Broderick taught us why men of a certain age should not opt for highlights; Mickey Rourke taught us why everyone should wash their hair; and Zac Efron taught us why we should not appear at the Oscars looking as if we’ve emerged from a swimming pool of corn oil.

Opportunities for imminent catfights: Countless. After all, Ryan Seacrest and Tim Gunn were sashaying down the same red carpet.