Katie Holmes Cracking Under Tom Cruise’s Pressure

Run for your life, Katie Holmes! No, you fool, there's no time to pack! Leave behind Baby Suri and Victoria Beckham's handy style guide. Tom Cruise will cherish them. Like he cherished entrapping you in that Tardis. You know, the one he stole after Doctor Who finished filming for the season, wherein he condemned you to drift through space and time for approximately nine months. Until you returned with an odd-looking life-form. Brace yourself, Joey Potter. He wants to do that again.

I’m not placing any blame on Holmes for her “marriage mishap.” I was once Tom Cruised at our nation’s capital. Had I not been chasing down my next espresso, I would’ve stopped to bask in the glow of the novice Xenuphile’s brilliant smile. Maybe make some flirty small talk ("Hey baby, can I see your Galactic Confederacy?") and take a stress test. I can imagine Tom Cruise appearing similarly charming to the uninitiated. But considering the zealous bit of crazy twinkling in his eyes (especially at his daughter’s last birthday party), Holmes would be smart to leave the order already. Cruise remains miffed that her brush with Broadway has delayed the spawn hunt. Perhaps her royal majesty flew into a jealous rage and kept Holmes out of the Tonys too. I bet he even cackled afterward. Vicious queen!

Holmes also found a little time to flee to the one place Tom Cruise can’t find her: back home to Toledo. Once there, she rebuilt bridges with her Midwestern clan. And a Saturday night White House outing notwithstanding, this makes the prospect of future child procurement unlikely. According to one of Xenu’s loyal followers, such a thing could have sinister consequences. “If she’s under pressure to provide another child,” speaks he from behind cloak and voice modulator, “[other Scientologists] will use very powerful mind-control techniques to help Tom get what he wants. Katie had been in New York, talking to real people and then she was back in the world of Scientology. She could crack up.” So please, dearest Katie, be not like crème brûlée moments before Tom Cruise lowers a large fork above your head. Run for your life.