‘Jem & the Holograms’ Live-Action Movie?

So the folks responsible for the Transformers and G.I. Joe franchises are now attempting to revive Jem & the Holograms. Oh there will be blood (but also glitter)! Hollywood has a lousy history manufacturing girly franchises (see Catwoman.) But it's all baby steps. Toy giants Hasbro are issuing a new line of Jem dolls to test the commercial waters. And if those dolls sink into oblivion, then we can all heave a collective sigh of relief. But if those dolls float, even butter-side down, then we're in for a world of trouble.

The concept of Jem worked well in the 80s for reasons that it just can’t in the noughties. Among the primary reasons is that the whole girlband cartoon-into-campy live-action feature has been done. And in the 20+ years that have elapsed since the show’s initial debut, girlbands have come, gone, and exhausted public curiosity. They’ve run their course. Even Dreamgirls siphoned off the last remaining drops of intrigue a couple years ago.

But more than that, a live-action feature would force logic onto concepts that we don’t really want explained. Like Jerrica’s boyfriend who was secretly pining for her alter-ego Jem. This was broadly broached and never resolved. As Wikipedia explains of Jerrica’s boyfriend Rio Pacheco, “Rio has issues with secrecy, anger and lying which are never fully explained, but it is those issues which make Jerrica reluctant to reveal her masquerade to her long-time boyfriend for fear that he will feel betrayed and made a fool.” I don’t want Rio Pacheco, heartthrob extraordinaire, to be “made a fool.” This will be too much of a demand, acting-wise, on Chace Crawford, when he invariably accepts the role.

Moreover, a live-action film would attempt to flesh that character’s histrionics out into a whole narrative about loss and redemption and we’d all end up with something as overblown as Master & Commander. We’re fine with this slapdash, nonsensical love triangle-that-isn’t. In the same way we were also okay with the fact that a girlband was allowed to take care of twelve foster kids. Because they have time for that sort of responsibility, in addition to love triangles, rivalries, and hit singles.

Perhaps more disturbingly, lazy screenwriters will reduce many of these characters into tired archetypes. Jerrica/Jem is practically screaming to be painted as a cross between vintage Madonna and megalomaniacal Madonna. Jem enemies The Misfits look primed to be transformed into a gaggle of caricatures loosely based on Courtney Love and Lindsay Lohan.

But I suppose this is all to say that when news breaks of the inevitable live-action adaptation, the most we can do is plug our ears, close our eyes, and pretend that soon, Hollywood’s creative dry spell will end. Or hope that, at least, someone like Almodóvar will become attached to the project. In which case, full-speed ahead, please.