‘Ugly Betty’ Says No to Susan Boyle, Yes to Gay Porn Star

Because sex sells! And you'll recall Ugly Betty may need something just short of a Zachary Quinto bukkake outtake to roll out from under the axe of cancellation when it returns this fall. But more importantly, who wants to actually see Betty going nose-to-nose with a real-life Ugly Betty like Susan Boyle? Anyone? Anyone? No? Not even you guys, studio bigwigs? Hm. Well then. What about a prince of modern gay erotica who forked over $18,000 to appear on the flagging soap?

Michael Lucas and some other dude, like many grotesquely rich men during Pride Week in New York City, took some time out to start manically throwing money up towards the ceiling of some room at the UN for a good cause. Handing over a check with a fraction of the fanfare isn’t as ... enriching. A third man presided over these goings-on, blathering about something about a “walk-on role on a show that has seriously suffered a creative setback in its third season but isn’t Lost.” This third man also talked about how the person who threw the most money up in the air would earn this high privilege and sparkly IMDB resume-builder, and the other person would be subjected to gay shame for the remainder of Pride by way of watered down rum’n’Diets at whatever Chelsea bar everyone frolicked to next.

Bidding initially started at $1,000, but only when it reached $7,000 did Lucas get out his clutch and start flinging his Benjamins up at the ceiling. His eyes grew more and more devilish with each thousand that passed. $5,000! $6,000! By $10,000, only Lucas and another man remained. $11,000! $12,000! At this point, the whole ordeal had gotten a bit frightening, with the remaining duelists sounding a lot like this as they launched their cash in the air.

Finally, when the bidding climaxed at $18,000, so did a few who had long since dropped out of the race. Others heaved sighs of relief. And then when all that green settled on the floor, someone netted it all up and shipped it off to this place so they can keep fighting the good fight for equality. Oh, yeah, and on the matter whether Lucas will grab a few more eyeballs than normal on the night of his walk-on? Probably, but like his cameo, they’ll be fleeting at best.