Victoria Beckham’s Lips to Remain Sealed, Pouty

Perhaps the most self-actualized member of the celebrity class, Victoria Beckham has assuaged our fears, promising never to sing again. Before we make a collective sigh of relief, let's review what the ramifications of her ban on music means. By committing to life as an upscale socialite/fashion fixture, this means that no longer will we have to weather her ambling aimlessly through gardens, "seductively" singing about phone sex while getting tangled up in a bedspread, dealing with multiple personality disorder or, probably in her most down-to-earth moment, channeling Joan Crawford.

What this also means is that no longer will we have to shudder while she agonizingly struggles to reach high notes, fails at elementary-level lip-synching, or poses with taxidermied panthers. No, instead she’s free to pursue more worthwhile endeavors. Like Fashion Week victories, scrappy rows with Mama Becks, or scintillating Armani ads. From all of us with ears: Thank you VB.