Why Miley Cyrus Deserves a Nobel Peace Prize

So much palaver about how our beloved president got this cute shiny new thingy from some people who get together a few times a year, in the name of a dead Swedish chemist! Congratulations, B.O.! But in all fairness, the precedent was so low, like way below-the-asthenosphere low, that it makes us wonder if perhaps this glitter-and-fairy dust party was a bit too premature? As one person on my Facebook feed so aptly put it, Obama may have jumped the shark, but he was simply treading water as the shark swam under him. Although he's being awfully humble about it. But if we're handing out Nobel prizes based on aspirations over achievements to people of average intelligence who do not want to destroy the universe, why not single out people who make a living peddling sunshine and happiness, no matter how banal? Obviously, all arrows point to Miley Cyrus.

No, no, seriously. A four-point argument delineating how Miley Cyrus—already branded a diva at the age of 14 or whatever—deserves a Nobel Prize trophy next to her MTV moonman for best song from a movie.

Patriotism/leadership. Cyrus’ leadership and love for stars and stripes couldn’t be anymore evident. And here she is, encouraging us to “party.” And not just party anywhere, but most pointedly, “in the USA.” Not only is Cyrus a capable leader, but she may yet persuade the most reluctant of us to cloak themselves in our national banner.

Diplomacy. Wikipedia says that according to Nobel’s will, the award should be handed to “the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations.” Incidentally, “Party in the USA” has made ripples worldwide, peaking at #6 in Canada, #9 in Australia, and #11 in New Zealand. And without leaning towards one particular political group or another, she is apparently also a hit with a very specific subset of gay men, which should surprise no one.

Philanthropy. Just look at all that philanthropy!

Lofty aspirations. But most importantly, the Nobel peace prize is awarded to those purveyors of universal harmony who have grander plans in mind—even if they have no way to achieve them. And here we have Cyrus quitting Twitter to attain another kind of peace: inner. So shouldn’t this give her cutsies in the line of potential Nobelistas?