Worst Celebrity Influence Miley Cyrus’s Anti-Twitter Crusade

Mild sadness! It seems that venerable siren of song and screen Miley Cyrus' so-called party is quickly devolving into a pitiful shitshow. Cyrus is finding that, yes, every party has to end. And the culmination of all of these things is her version of that single moment when she runs out of Doritos, the keg dries up, cops arrive on her front door, and a nimrod swipes her iPod. Having recently been voted Worst Celebrity Influence by a poll that scientifically determines such absolutes, Cyrus has decided that now is the best moment to launch into a nuanced monologue about the terrors of Twitter.

We already knew that she had departed from the microblogging service when she decided to post a rap about her departure. Sticking points: Cyrus had amassed two million followers in her tenure as an economical word maven and that when she left Twitter, she started “living for moments” and “living for people.” But clearly she’s still hurting from the way Twitter burned her so.

But as part of her new one-woman show Twitterpated: The Miley Cyrus Story, she says, “All I did was lay in bed on my computer and sit there and eat ice cream late at night.” With the computer out of that equation, Cyrus no longer risks voiding the manufacterer’s warranty when she spills Rocky Road soup all over her MacBook Pro. But her wisdom doesn’t taper there. “You don’t end up living your life and you end up saying things that really is no-one else’s business. And I’m not a big fan of the internet anymore. I don’t really go online.” Not even for pornography, Miley? “LOL maybe #MileyFail,” she tweeted back.

But her thesis is clear-cut and grooms her into becoming her generation’s answer to Jonathan Franzen, writing volumes about the human condition. “I think Twitter should just be banned from this universe.” And to that we say, oh Miley! Sarah Palin‘s probably one step ahead of you. But before we kick some dirt onto the popstrel’s Twitter account, we should consider the stakes: the outbursts of a fan who will threaten to kill and eat his cat. Unless she spares its life. With 140 characters of hope.