You guys, it is only Tuesday and I’ve already read a press release about a Fifty Shades of Grey-themed compilation of classical music. This doesn’t really spark a lot of confidence for the rest of the week, does it?
Yes, it’s true: the fifteen pieces of music that are mentioned in the books comprisising the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy will soon be available in one convenient place: your car, or your Discman, or your very fancy home stereo system that you’ll show off to all of the vapid women you have over to seduce in your high-rise condo because you think such a thing is an accurate display of "personality," and because the women you bed are probably into the ideas of entry-level BDSM and fucking to Mozart. (Haha just kidding, that will never happen to you, especially if you own this CD.)
Per the press release:
Fifty Shades of Grey – The Classical Album aims to provide the perfect accompaniment to the Fifty Shades reading experience, setting a mysterious and alluring atmosphere with just the slightest hint of danger…the music on the album includes The Tallis Scholars’ sweeping version of ‘Spem in Alium’ featured in the first novel, along with 14 other works from the books, such as the ‘Flower Duet’ from Lakmé, Pachelbel’s ‘Canon in D,’ the ‘aria’ from Bach’s Goldberg Variations and more. The recording artists include such world-class performers as Sir Simon Rattle, King’s College Choir, Barbara Hendricks, and Alexandre Tharaud, and the album features cover art based on the novels.
Let’s be honest: "the Fifty Shades reading experience" is just polite code for masturbation, right?