Not that I expected someone's public comment about their arrest for hash and pot to sound like they were written by Aaron Sorkin. But still. What the fuck are you "Fiona Apple"-ing about, Fiona Apple? 

Via Gawker, Apple rambled to a Houston, Texas, audience after her arrest on Thursday for possession of drugs. Authorities searched her tour bus at a Sierra Blanca border crossing — the same one where Snoop Dogg has been busted for possession. She freely admitted the baseball-sized amount of weed and golfball-sized amount of pot belonged to her and was arrested, according to Stereogum. Here's what Fiona Apple had to "Fiona Apple" about her night in the holding cell. (Which you can also watch on Pitchfork here.)

Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We'll call them "holding cell one" and "holding cell two." In "holding cell one" is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In "holding cell two" is the decoder. I'm the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes. So why don't you stay in your fucking holding cell?

This vaguely-threatening riddle within a secret within a koan is actually more nonsensical than anything Charlie Sheen ever said back when he was going crazy, yet still more sensical than anything anything Courtney Love has ever tweeted. 

But hey, whatever, artists, man, right?

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.