The story about the self-proclaimed feminist lawyer who sued a bunch of clubs because of reduced admissions on Ladies Nights is, on many levels, very sexy. I figure I’ll put my two cents in. Of course, according to the ruling, if I were a lady I would only have to cough up one cent. My favorite judge (who seems to be handling all club-related cases—Martha Stewart, Tavern on the Green), Miriam Cederbaum, was upheld by the Second Circuit Court of Appeals in a case brought by Den Hollander, who argued that "The guys are paying for girls to party. I don't think that's fair." He’s headed to the Supreme Court with this schtick and I’m sure a hundred talk shows. I found it interesting that the four clubs that I saw named in the suit—The Copacabana, Lotus, Sol, and China Club—aren’t operating in NYC at this time. I guess ladies night promotion doesn’t work anyway.

Mr. Den “I’m probably done with the ladies” Hollander played the race card in a quote I saw in the NY Post:

Saying it will allow nightclubs to "discriminate against any group of persons by charging them more for admission than other groups." "It does not matter whether the nightclubs charge males or females or blacks or Latinos or any other identifiable group more for admission—it is now constitutional."

That seems like a stretch, and I think I’ve heard it. I can’t help but wonder how much of a discount a club might charge my lady friend who is, well, first off, a lady, and half Puerto Rican, and half Greek? Could I get the old guy discount? This all seems to be a colossal waste of time, paper, and, of course, money. And it may be as frivolous a lawsuit I have heard, and that raises a point. Nightclubs are targets of opportunity. Dark, often overcrowded with a crowd that gets increasingly clumsier as the night moves on, they are accidents waiting to happen. They often employ strange persons, who work strange hours, who often have two or more careers. There are mind-altering distractions everywhere—including strobe and disco lights. Loud music drives patrons into a frenzy, or nobody is doing their job right, and there are all sorts of emotional highs and lows going on. People are breaking up, hooking up, making up, and looking up when they should have been watching their purses or cameras. Nightclubs are easy targets for purse snatchers and other evil doers. They are easy targets for law suits. People sip, trip and slip on wet floors, or bang their heads on unsecured doors. Steps are too steep, lights too dim, and some patrons sometimes disagree with other patrons, and all hell breaks out.

Peter Gatien often told me that most clubs are a lawsuit away from bankruptcy. Long before he needed lawyers for his trials and tribulations, he had a full time staff attorney to handle all the little slips and falls, lost coats, and rowdy bouncers, who, through no fault of their own, manhandled guests.

This is one of the advantages the big clubs, or those with multiple properties, have. A lawyer in this era is as important as an accountant or bar manager, and a club that doesn’t have one—or have a good one—is often gone in a huff, puff, or lawsuit. Lawyers often act as liaisons between clubs and community boards, and government agencies. These types of people feel better talking to a suit with a job they understand rather than the club mogul. It doesn’t matter how corporate club types have become the community leaders, and regulators wash their hands 3 times after a meeting with them. They don’t even want to imagine where those hands have been.

Besides these litigation lawyers, clubs must have liquor attorneys. Before the landlords, designers, architects, or even a name is finalized, the liquor attorney must determine the odds of getting an approved liquor license, and then get the operators through the arduous process. I met with a fellow last week who spent two years obtaining his. That’s two years of investing, worrying, sweating, with no guarantees.

A person of note in the club world pondered to me recently: “Why on earth should I build in New York, when I can build anywhere in this country, and the mayor of the city will sit down with me and ask how he can help? Here everything imaginable is done to prevent me from opening, from doing business.” Seems like a big question, one that is often discussed here and in other forums.

So who are these players, these lawyers, these unsung heroes, who keep the Goose flowing and the music playing? I’d tell you their names but they’re mostly boring people, and you will forget them by the time you click to the next blog.