Telling your story from beyond the grave is a bitch. You’ve gotta sign scrolls of release forms, and be put through an infernal vetting process that culminates with a hellish (it’s really the only word I can think of) interview with Beelzebub himself. “We musn’t impart with the order of things,” he told me. No idea what he meant, but his serpentine voice repulsed me, so I nodded my head and million-dollar-smiled him, and here I am at my old job, in one final performance, to tell you how I lost my life to this shitty economy (and alcohol).

Following Continental, British Airways, Delta, Northwest, Southwest, American, Alaska Airlines, and Air Canada are rolling out mobile platforms that will make paper boarding passes as extinct as paper tickets. The paperless exchange varies -- Delta is using La Guardia as a testing ground for a text-based boarding pass, while American will email you a barcoded boarding pass to be shown to the security agents in line. Apparently you'll have an opportunity to print out a pass at a self-serve kiosk if problems occur. These mobile boarding passes are difficult to tamper with and save airlines in the neighborhood of $3.50 per paper pass. Also, it's one less thing to keep track off in the airport (assuming you don't lose your cellphone).

[See Part 1 of Steve Lewis' interview with Richie Notar.] We'll get out of this recession, and Richie Notar's Nobu will thrive through it. He believes, as I do, that the high-end joints will survive, while a lot of the wannabes will close their doors. People will eat at a Nobu, or have a cocktail at Rose Bar, even if they’re about to hock the Bentley, if only to show their peers that they’ve still got it. Sure, the cuffs may be shot out to hide the "stainless" Rolex, but those on top always know what time it is, anyway.

Now's your chance to take a shower with President-Elect Barack Obama. The Washington Post spotted this creepy version of soap on a rope offered by Dugshop. The 10.5-ounce chunk of purple-headed Obama looks amusingly distorted or horrifyingly offensive, depending on your political sensitivities. "He smells like a breath of fresh air, because, well, he is a breath of fresh air!" Naturally, 33% of all profits go to Habitat for Humanity. Oh, and it's vegan-friendly.

Uber-cool British culture rag Monocle is taking to the streets with its latest endeavor -- a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shop in London. The retail space, housed just off Marylebone High Street, is chock-full of products “created in partnership with brands like Comme des Garçons, Porter, Valextra, Artek and Drakes London, as well as some other favorites picked out by the editors, including clothing, stationery, music, and publications,” says PSFK.

Hate to say we told you so, but after yesterday's big, breaking, news that O.C. and Gossip Girl honcho Josh Schwartz is set to write an updated teen version of the X-Men franchise, I can't help but feel frustrated to the bone. We broke this story months ago! Back then, it wasn't a done deal, and when Schwartz casually spilled the beans to a colleague and I at Coffee Shop in New York, we were all, "wait, are we allowed to write about this?" Of course, we didn't actually ask him that, out loud, in so many words. A huge hissy fit ensued, a threat or two were lobbed our way, and then poof, the story was gone (although not quick enough to spare the ferocious mocking of fanboys who were livid that Wolverine would turn their beloved superheroes into spoiled brats). Another case in a disturbing trend of publicists (and/or their clients) not being entirely truthful. So disappointing.

Now that you're slowly coming to terms with the fact that you may never again leave your apartment because you can't afford to (or because it may be nightfall before the next train arrives on the platform), it's time to explore what better for your train fare. Might I suggest kombucha? For any fan of Gossip Girl who needs her or his life choices and ideas of a good time validated by an inconsistent soap opera where everyone inexplicably lives beyond their means, kombucha is a must-have.

1. Berlin (Wrigleyville) - Dark omnisexual house/industrial/video club for serious dancers and adventurous straighties.
2. Bon V (West Loop) - Bottle service on Randolph Street? A Bears superstar's sibling tries his luck with a VIP lounge in the famed district.
3. Charlie’s Chicago (Wrigleyville) - Country boys early, with their cousins from the city taking it over for late-night dance parties. Yee-haw!

● Eve (Gold Coast) - An elegant sibling to Lincoln Square's Tallulah brings a sophisticated palate to the Gold Coast.
● Chickpea (Ukranian Village) - Just like your Palestinian mom used to make: kick-ass falafel.

To Jim Mamary, owner of Trout,

You told New York mag your place closed because of “the economy, my landlord, and the rough-and-tumble nature of the restaurant business”, but no one wants to dine at a place that humanizes the worst man ever, and I'm sorry I brought it to people's attention that you served Hitler's favorite food. Surely that must have kept whole clans of Brooklyn Hasidic Jews away. As for other despots and their favorite snacks, Josef Stalin had none, Mussolini rarely ate, and Kim Jong Il enjoys shark fin conch stew and mudsnail soup, which would no doubt have driven any restaurant foolish enough to serve them directly out of business. Bad luck I guess, and the next time an otherwise upstanding establishment serves a mass murderer's favorite meal, I'll keep my yapper shut, promise.