I know all of you non-gays are assuming that being gay is all shits and LOLs and rainbows and sunshine and blowjobs and poppers and musicals and Fire Island and abs and Lady Gaga. But did you know that gay guys have feelings, too? Not just the ones about AIDS and the constant threat of being attacked either physically or verbally by homophobes and the Religious Right! No, we feel bad about our stomachs, too. It's running rampant!

Over at Hommemaker (get it?), founder Orlando Soria takes a break from having perfect hair and a perfect jaw line to bring the issue of body image among gay men front and center by displaying why, exactly, gay men hate themselves: because of gay men like him.

I never sought out to have friends with such perfect bodies. Quite the contrary actually. As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny. Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.

For "full disclosure," Soria shares a picture of his disgusting, disgusting fattie fatso body:

Let's all shout it together, OK? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Alright, seriously: fuck this guy. Fuck this guy and fuck his terrible article, too. Is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be serious? Who knows, because it's a piece of shit. Nothing says "let's be completely inclusive of the community I am representing" like saying things such as:

  • "Comparing a boyfriend’s body with his girlfriend’s body is like comparing apples and oranges. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with a boyfriend’s body is like comparing apples and apples." (Because ALL gay men date other gay men who look exactly like them.)
  • "Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations." (Because ALL gay men have the cash to burn on travel, clothes, and nice meals.)
  • "If you’re constantly surrounded by people who workout and eat lightly, you’re going to end up just as skinny as they are. It’s like a positive version of peer pressure where everyone ends up looking like Malibu Ken." (Because ALL gay men are skinny and workout regularly and eat lightly, and because ALL gay men ONLY hang out with gay men.)
  • "Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings." (Because ALL gay men are the kind of insufferable, miserable, boring people who consider "working out" to be an interest.)

Orlando finally cracked the code! Or, rather, painted himself to be the reason why SOME gay men feel bad about the way they look: because the overwhelming mainstream ideal of what a gay man should look like is one to which Mr. Soria subscribes and propagates. It is based entirely on education, socioeconomic status, cultural values, and fashion. And because this guy either can't see outside of his own asshole, or because he simply think he's hilariously cheeky, there will always be a ton of gay men—young impressionable gay men who, let's face it, may not have the privileges and opportunities afforded to guys like Soria—who will continue to feel bad about themselves. Yes, let's continue to repeat the same stereotypes and look at pictures of hot dudes rather than suggest that maaaaaybe most of us look pretty "normal" already. 

Also, confidential to guys with abs: some of us gay dudes think they are gross!