If the alcoholics I heard arguing about it at the bar of my local Mexican restaurant are correct, Thanksgiving is next week. (I know! The alcoholics were stressing too.) And while this sacred celebration of America’s most successful genocide to date is a unique horror to each and every soul made to endure it, there are a couple of common factors by which we can determine who has it worst.

DIVORCED PARENTS EATING TOGETHER: +15 suffering points. What on earth are they thinking? If they loved familial togetherness so much you’d think the marriage would have worked.

GREAT FOOD THAT YOU EAT TOO MUCH OF: +5. Call it the summary punishment of anyone lacking willpower (i.e., everyone).

TERRIBLE FOOD THAT YOU STILL EAT TOO MUCH OF BECAUSE YOU’RE SO HUNGRY: +20. Worst-case scenario.

DRUNK AND/OR RACIST RELATIVE: +10. Can be ignored for a while, but then you’ll hate yourself for not sticking up for Muslims.

DRUNK AND/OR RACIST RELATIVE RECENTLY DECEASED: +11 for having to publicly remember them in a fond light.

ONLY WINE SERVED: +12. Headaches and sleepiness don’t make anything easier (-5 if there's a dark attic with a daybed in the house).

ATTRACTIVE OLDER COUSIN: +25. You sick bastard.

YOUNGER STICKY COUSIN WHO DOESN’T YET UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE: +16, or +30 if he dunks his hand in gravy and wipes it on your leg.

STUCK AT KIDS TABLE: +3. Actually not that bad.

HAVE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE HAVING KIDS: +10 if you plan to, +100 if you don’t.

BROUGHT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME: +13, but +40 for them.

TRAVELED OVER 500 MILES TO GET THERE: +500. God, I pity you.


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