Last night, Simon Cowell’s singing contest spectacular The X-Factor debuted on Fox. Given the popularity of the genre and Cowell’s track record of success, The X-Factor was a shoo-in for ratings gold, right? Wrong(ish). 12.1 million viewers tuned in for the show’s first episode last night. For perspective, 21.6 million viewers saw the Cowell-less American Idol premier in January.

● Kris gave her blessing, but Kourtney and Khloé were totes shocked to hear about Kim and Kris's engagement. [PopEater] ● Maybe you missed Oprah's final episode yesterday? Here it is in three minutes. She diiiiidddddd iiitttttt! (See also: the cost of all the stuff she's given away.) [NYM] ● Beyoncé debuted her "favorite song" and 4 opener "1 +1" on last night's American Idol season finale. Oh, and, Scotty McCreery won. [RapRadar/NYT]

It must be difficult to tell who your real friends are in Hollywood. Luckily, Kid Rock has shown us there's a simple formula for figuring it out: True friends are the ones who publicly express the desire to have your PR team punished with medieval execution devices favored by the French. Or, maybe that’s just the way Kid Rock expresses his concern. The opinionated musician, of "Bawitdaba" fame, had quite a mouthful to say about his pal Steven Tyler’s decision to sign on as a new judge for the upcoming season of American Idol.

● Joaquin Phoenix, the one-time bearded and crazy actor, now clean-shaven and admitting the thing was a performance, appeared again on The Late Show, but still had a hard time keeping up with Dave. [Vulture] ● Jon Hamm talks about beating depression, but he doesn't talk about why he was depressed, because everyone knows how hard it is to be so handsome. [Observer] ● Aaron Sorkin says the hardest thing he does every day "is not take cocaine." [W Magazine]

● A 21-year-old claims to have had sex with Ashton Kutcher on the couch he shares with Demi Moore -- the one with the Legos between the cushions and crayon doodles on the armrest. [HuffPo] ● Meanwhile, LeAnn Rimes says she knew she shouldn't have cheated on her husband because she "grew up America's sweetheart," which might be overstating her case a bit. [People] ● M. Night Shyamalan 's Devil, about being trapped in an elevator with evil, comes out this weekend. Here, an elevator expert gives tips for survival: "Smack the person across the face." [Vulture]

● Snooki is pulling in $30,000 per episode of Jersey Shore, which, while only a fraction of Kate Gosselin's pay, will still inspire homicidal rage in 27% of breathing, thinking Americans. [Starpulse] ● Lindsay Lohan's stern judge Marsha Revel has removed herself from the case after complaints from the prosecutor. Next stop, reality television. [HuffPo] ● Alanis Morissette is pregnant. And every time she burps her baby's back, I hope you feel it. [LAT]

● Ellen will no longer be a judge on Idol, with Jennifer Lopez likely stepping in to replace her. American Idol: now with way more Marc Anthony. [HuffPo] ● Also, out at Idol is Kara DioGuardi, who was fired because after a full year no one is any closer to having any idea who she is. [TMZ] ● George Clooney's model girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis allegedly did cocaine in a Milan nightclub, now under investigation. The real story would be if she didn't. [Radar]

I don’t believe in the devil per se, but I think a pretty good case could be made for his earthly incarnation being none other than American Idol’s prickly mastermind Simon Cowell. Unencumbered by the traditional pointy tail and pitchfork, he’s handsome, glib, narcissistic, and so demonically successful that it’s downright impossible not to imagine there being something supernatural afoot. What’s more, it’s clear that he’s bent on world domination. Now that his ...Got Talent franchise is airing in some 80 countries, Cowell has announced that he's ready to produce an international version.

Last week, American Idol winner Lee DeWyze released his debut single—a cover of U2's 'Beautiful Day'—and now the underwhelming results are in: it failed to crack Billboard's Top 10 singles and digital charts. Oof. The song entered at the 12th spot on the digital charts with 95,000 downloads and in the 24th spot on the Hot 100 singles charts, according to Nielsen SoundScan. The mediocre placing follows years of steadily decreasing cultural currency for American Idol. The viewership for the show's finale hit an all time low this year, with only 24.2 million people tuning in, far below the 38.1 million people who watched in 2003 or the 36.4 million who checked out the 2006 finale.

Heartbreak make all of us dancers why don't you? America is torn, what with Simon Cowell kicking this basset hound of a talent show out of his sprawling villa of an empire, instead taking in a more pedigreed pup like X Factor. X Factor, which overseas, has a pretty spotless track record when it comes to puking out fly-by-night pop stars like this broad, this broad, and a bloke who got to #1 by pretending to be Miley Cyrus. But with Cowell leaving such a large void in our hearts, who's to fill in for him?