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Obama’s got this election in the bag, baby, and now the 24-hour cable news drones have got to spend the entire day pretending that it’s going to be remotely close. Pretty boring and deliberately uninformative stuff! It’d be more fun to keep tabs on the hyperventilating conservatives who don’t believe in math but do have baffling, anecdote-based faith in a Romney landslide. That’s where @GOP_Tears comes in.

How anyone can be an undecided voter, I still don't know. But in case you're a racist white person still on the fence, Chris Rock is here to remind you that Barack Obama is very, very white.

Barack Obama may have gotten an endorsement from a real billionaire yesterday—New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who cited the destruction of Hurricane Sandy and the highly unnerving real threat of climate change as swaying his decision—but not to be outdone, Mitt Romney countered with another well-recognized American billionaire. Yesterday, shocking no one, Fox released a video in which The Simpsons' C. Montgomery Burns, the eccentric, insanely wealthy, sort-of-evil tycoon owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, endorses Romney from the dark and stormy headquarters of the Springfield Republican Party. 

People keep telling me not to jinx it, but look: Romney is going down, and he knows it. His campaign keeps talking about “expanding the map” to Minnesota and Pennsylvania (markets where they’re now, in the last push, running five or six negative ads in every commercial break, which has to have some diminishing returns.) Meanwhile they’re visiting the many swing states they’ve failed to lock down, like Florida and Virginia—where they’ve also been text-spamming with messages about how Obama approves of same-sex marriages and wants your tax dollars to pay for Planned Parenthood abortions. Turns out gay people and parents of thirteen-year-old girls with cell phones don’t take kindly to that sort of tactic!

We’re all pretty sick of the nauseating fog known as our political climate, particularly when it reaches peak stench and viscosity one week out from the day on which we cast our votes for president. But at least many of us understand what’s going on. Not so poor little Abigael, who is at her wits’ end.

It wasn't too hard to be tickled by Lena Dunham's innuendo-laden "get out the vote" video comparing the first time voting to the first time having sex. "You want to do it with a great guy. It should be with a guy with beautiful … somebody who really cares about and understands women," she implored. Ha, ha, funny, right? Oh, that is, unless you have a log-sized stick crammed up your ass.

So Girls star Lena Dunham features in a new web ad for the Obama campaign that seems less about encouraging young women to vote Democratic than to provoke a Republican pundits into admitting that they are afraid of vaginas. Excellent strategy.

Last month none other than President Barack Obama introduced Jay-Z's performance at Philly's Made In America Festival. Now Jay is starring in a video for the Obama 2012 campaign called "The Power Of Our Voice" featuring footage of from the fest.

If you're one of the lucky thousands to land a seat in the University of Denver's auditorium and get an up-close look at Obama and Romney's nosehairs, then you'll need a good drink after their first presidential debate. Whether you're craving a whiskey and some alone time, or an $11 pitcher and a chance to share your viewpoint that no one listen to, you'll find the place for you at one of these top five Denver bars for a drink after tonight's presidential debate. 

I’m not entirely sure how I ended up subscribing to the CLG newsletter, a roundup of hard-hitting political stories that span the globe, but I have not regretted it for one solitary moment. That’s because between relatively sober summaries of under-reported suicide bombings in Afghanistan, they’re running headlines about how U.S. army scientists are spraying St. Louis with radioactive particles and Gaddafi was killed on Nicolas Sarkozy’s orders. These often link to the Daily Mail.