Al Gore could find enough environmental disasters in Beijing alone to make a box set. After all, the pollution levels here are so bad, flights can be delayed up to eight hours due to visibility (I know this first-hand, having experienced the longest delay of my life at Hangzhou—just a one-hour flight away—thanks to the "fog" in the former Olympic city). It also doesn't help that the number of cars in China doubles every five years, or that there's a Dickensian swarm of smoke-belching factories all over the city. When I visited the recently opened China World Summit Wing in Beijing, now the largest hotel in China, you could barely see through all that smog/fog/gray. Maybe the ghostlike view gave its neighbor, Shangri-La hotel group's China World, reason enough to bring green back to a city known mostly for its haze.

If you didn't catch "Confessions of a Travel Writer" on the Travel Channel, you missed the segment where I referred to myself as the "Chevy Chase of tourists." Case in point: on my recent visit to Beijing, I thought I could simply hire a private taxi to get to the Great Wall. In hindsight, maybe it's my spontaneous nature that gets me into trouble, but whatever the reason, I didn't give much thought to any potentially disastrous outcomes. Lucky, then, that upon arrival to Beijing, I learned from local ex-pats that hiring a taxi and going to the Wall alone for my first visit were both, in fact, terrible ideas. Considering taxi drivers in China don't speak English, there was a good chance I could have somehow ended up on the other side of the wall—three days later. Not to mention the other nearly-missed disasters. So with a new plan, I managed to get to the Wall and back safely without sacrificing adventure for a big fiasco. Here are my five tips on what not to do when visiting China's most popular tourist attraction.

You know what's just the worst? Visiting New York and finding out that the Central Perk cafe from TV's Friends doesn't exist. No Ross, no Monica, no Chandler, no Phoebe. No lattes! Thankfully, now crazed Friends fans (whomever they may be) can visit Central Perk in Beijing, China for a taste of the show.

Fear not unemployed (white) Americans, there's an exciting new career opportunity in the East. In China, Caucasian foreigners are in demand, with Chinese companies willing to pay to have pale-faces pose as fake employees, business partners, or girlfriends.

Last night at Milk Studios saw the debut announcement of the Creators Project, a massive worldwide digital arts event put on by Vice and Intel. It's easily the most ambitious thing Vice has ever attempted in terms of event packages, and that's saying something. Curated by Mark Ronson among others, the stellar cast of participating talent covers artists and creative nerds coming together for events in New York, London, Sao Paulo, Seoul, and Beijing. The launch event--in New York, also at Milk, on June 26--promises a total takeover of the building for a variety of panels, installations, and of course parties in the inimitable Vice style. Quite likely to be among the summer's top events in this town.

Diesel XXX -- not be confused with that unfortunate chrome-domed actor and his unfortunate secret agent movie -- is segueing from industrial clothing brand to international party starter, with a 24-hour global shindig on October 11. The intercontinental soiree will begin in Tokyo and successively stumble to Beijing, Dubai, Athens, Amsterdam, Milan, Zurich, Munich, Paris, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Barcelona, Oslo, Helsinki, London, and Sao Paulo. No New York unfortunately, except for the 5,000-person grand finale we've been granted along Brooklyn's scenic waterfront, hosted by that Mistress of Seduction, Joey Arias, and featuring performances from M.I.A., N.E.R.D, and Hot Chip.

Michael "Gilly" Phelps may want to keep to the pool. While nobody questions his swimming talents or his taste in ladies, his choice of fashion is another matter. Guest of a Guest produces this unnerving photo of Phelps spotted last night at Beijing hotspot China Doll sporting a shirt that looked as if he upchucked a banana daiquiri all over his front. His bemedaled look didn't turn out much better, however.

Giving the lip-synching pretty girl a run for her Yen, the lavish, new American embassy opened last week in Beijing, winning its own legion of fawning admirers. But its sparkling exteriors are just part of the embassy's charm. Inside, the walls sport $800,000 worth of art by Robert Rauschenberg, Yun-Fei Ji, Guggenheim favorite Louise Bourgeois, and others. And at 8stories tall and 10 sprawling acres, the embassy proves that beauty does not preclude bombast and grandeur.

Jeff Koopersmith has worked himself into a lather declaring that Ralph Lauren embarrassed America with its Olympic opening ceremony uniforms. They were too crass, too commercial, too elitist. Or, in his own words, "This is typically American: create something combining taste and quality, and then reduce it to rubble it by advertising where you bought it -- and how much you paid." Apparently, the oversized Polo logo was simply unacceptable. "So why did Polo Ralph Lauren go and embarrass us all by not just putting their logo on the clothes but putting in on SO BIG?"

I’m one of the six or so billion people who missed Friday’s opening ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Games, but the more I troll the Internet alleyways, the more inclined I am to YouTube it. Four days later, words like "astonishing," "spectacular," and "unmatched" are still being used to describe the event. But there's a shady underbelly to all the pomp.